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eLearning Series: Self Confidence
How Do I Improve My Self Confidence?
( 50 articles in this series )
Self
Confidence in the Abuse Survivor
You do not have to be hit to be a victim.
Emotional abusers chip away at your self-esteem until, many
times, you feel the need to tear yourself down just to meet
their opinions. Others engage in self-destructive behaviors
to make their abuser reject them, and go away.
Unfortunately, that doesn't happen. Abusers
revel in the chance to see their prophecies mature. They
feel success in having "seen
what was below the surface." They know about you before,
so why would they leave just because you've proved them right?
Self-confidence
in the abuse survivor is hard to come by, but it is possible.
Counseling helps. Support groups are even
better. Taking those baby steps to free yourself from the effects
of abuse start the winding way to recovery.
Fake it 'Til You Make It
Seemingly many abuse survivors put this method into practice.
They feel if they present the face of a confident, outgoing
person that sooner or later they will feel confident and outgoing
as well. This almost never happens. Because they focus on the
appearance of being okay, they skim over what it takes to actually
feel that way.
The most dangerous thing about the fake it method is it robs
you of your chance to heal. It also hurts your relationships
with men and women because you find yourself constantly comparing
yourself to others instead of honoring what you truly do.
The Big Brush Off
Some survivors are tired of meeting the standards
and decide to just not care anymore. Their houses are filthy.
Their clothes
and cars usually need to be replaced or repaired. They "just
don't care" but what this really means is they don’t care
about themselves. If they did, they wouldn't be living in squalor.
People using the brush off method need to concentrate on finding
their abilities before depression sets in. Once their abilities
are rediscovered, once they've toured the past for things they
used to enjoy and things they were good at doing, they can
begin making miniature steps toward improving their current
selves.
The Blame Game
"It's not my fault..." fuels many
self-destructive behaviors. Unsafe sex with multiple partners.
Drugs. Alcohol.
Voluntary unemployment. Homelessness. It's the easiest thing
in the world to blame someone else for your actions, but how
much sense does it make when you're stuck living the consequences?
Blamers first step is to take responsibility for the choices
they make in the here and the now. That may mean considering
something a long time before taking action. That may mean taking
the opportunity to take part in certain things out of the equation.
If you do drugs on a regular basis, you may need to move to
an area where you don't know the suppliers to keep yourself
safe.
Set Your Eyes on a Prize
Really accepting that you deserve to be happy can take a long
time, and most likely you will need therapy. A lot of people
think they've reached that point when they are really fulfilling
their abusers' negative prophecies.
Discount "deserving" all together.
People get things they don't deserve all the time. It's as
easy as buying a lottery
ticket, or being born into the right family (or in the right
country). Much of where we are and what opportunities we have
boil down to luck. The rest is what we do with our opportunities.
What is one thing you want to do with your life? What are
the small steps you need to take to make it there? If they
are too big, break them down even more?
Do you need to go to college? Fill out the FAFSA and see if
you apply for financial aid. That’s a small task leading up
to a much larger goal of becoming a licensed therapist one
day.
Your chance at being self-confident, successful and enjoying
life has not disappeared. You may need to take some extra steps,
and you may have a long road ahead, but the sooner you start,
the sooner you'll get there.
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SolveYourProblem.com
: 2006
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