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eLearning Series: Self Confidence
How Do I Improve My Self Confidence?
( 50 articles in this series )
Dealing
with a Negative Family
Dealing with negative friends can be tough,
but negative family can be a nightmare. Some people will feel
you owe them just because you're related. Others will drain
on your emotions until you have no energy left to make decisions,
or progress of your own. Being robbed of this power can keep
you from feeling self-confident.
Set Your Boundaries
We all have guidelines for behaviors we will and won't accept.
It's unrealistic to think people will only make us happy all
of the time, but with boundaries in place, you'll deal with
problems less.
It is okay to apply these boundaries to everyone. Your parents
have no more right to abuse you than the bill collector. If
you wouldn't take treatment from a stranger without complaining,
then make sure to stick up to the loved ones in your life too.
Lee lives about a block from her elderly mother, and every
morning at 5:00 the phone starts to ring. The requests come
non-stop until finally it's time for her to go to work. By
the time Lee gets home, there are several messages on her machine.
This constant barrage of responsibility is making Lee tired
and angry. She wouldn't accept this treatment from a bill collector,
so why does she put up with it from mom? Guilt. Ever since
her father died, Lee's mother has been listless. Her daughter
is afraid of what she might do without support.
Lee's actions aren't meeting up with her intentions. She wants
to offer her mom love and caring, but her frustration starts
to interfere. Their discussions now are short and snippy, and
Lee's mother is becoming even more insecure about her future.
Lee needs to figure out how many calls a day is right for
her, and how many trips a week she can make for her mother.
Not how many she should, but how many she can do without becoming
resentful. That is what will make her mother feel unsupported,
so that is the problem to be avoided.
Vocalize Your Independence
Laura and Steve starting dating at a time when her life was
really low. He helped her - emotionally and financially - and
now that she has a good job, he freely spends her money. She
doesn't want to seem ungrateful and she doesn't want to hurt
his feelings, but she's growing increasingly resentful that
he's carelessly spending what she's working hard to earn.
"I just want to break up with him!" She
says in frustration. Is this realistic?
While this may be simpler for her to say then talking to him
about money problems, it does nothing to fulfill her goal of
protecting his feelings. Talking to Steve about being financially
independent from each other caries a risk, but not as great
as breaking things off completely.
Vocalizing can be a huge risk for someone to take. A person
might need to look at alternatives. Letters can be an excellent
way to share your opinion in a positive way. It's also a baby
step because it introduces a conversation without the fear
of looking someone in the eye and seeing their disappointment,
frustration, anger, or sadness.
Breaking Ties
Sadly, sometimes no matter how you state your position, family
will not listen. Your sister-in-Law will keep dropping by unannounced,
only to degrade your house. Your brother will keep borrowing
money, he may even steal your car. Your parents may always
talk down to you. Sometimes the only safe decision you have
is cutting someone out of your life.
Maxine's mother was always an overbearing figure in her life.
During an argument Maxine was having with her husband, her
mother burst in their front door, and flew into their living
room, kicking and screaming at the man in her life. It was
his final straw. She had to make a decision, and unfortunately
for Maxine's out-of-control mother, she chose her husband over
the rest of her family.
If you cut ties, it's a good idea to keep some contact with
your family, as inconspicuously as possible. Maxine's sister
served as a valuable confidant, and later in their mother's
life, was able to reunite them before their mother's death.
We never know how or when people will choose to change, and
it's good for our souls if we keep possibilities open.
Being close with loved ones doesn't mean taking all they have
to give. Often it means setting boundaries so that you can
enjoy your time with them more. After all, it's the quality
of your family relationships and the efforts you make on your
goals when dealing with them that help you maintain your self-confidence.
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SolveYourProblem.com
: 2006
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