SolveYourProblem Article Series: Parenting & Family
Here's Some Friendly Parenting Advice

How To Prepare Your Child When Mommy Goes Back To Work

Once you have decided to go back to work and have chosen your substitute care there is much you can do to smooth the way, lessen the load, and prevent pandemonium as far as your child is concerned. Prepare your child in advance and ease his transition. Streamline your household. Work on the trouble spots - getting everyone up and out in the morning and getting everyone back and in for the evening.

It is important to prepare your child for the change, assuming he is old enough for explanations. Tell him that Mommy, like Daddy, is going to be going to work. You will be going out in the morning and coming home at night just like Daddy. This is a concrete fact your child has been experiencing since he was a baby, and he can understand.

Assure him that you love him, that you will miss him, and that you will be thinking of him while you are at work. If you can, promise to call him on the phone during the day. Tell him that you will miss him at lunchtime, and you will send him little love notes in his lunch box that his caregiver can read to him. Tell your child what you will be doing at your work. If possible, take him to your work place and let him see what it is like. If appropriate, have pictures that he's drawn or pictures of him in your work place so that he can see that he is very much a part of it.

When you talk to your child about starting work, remember that your attitude is more important than words. If you are matter-of-fact, confident, and cheerful, he will accept it. However, recognize that the preschooler, who is more able to express himself, may let you know his feelings of anger, rejection, or frustration at the change. Accept his feelings. Try using his play to act out your going to work so that he can work out his feelings. Let him play with the doll house, showing the mommy and daddy going to work and the child going to the appropriate caregiver. Play this with him as much as he wants. He may then begin to play it by himself. He may be very anxious at first and require a lot of reassurance. But once everything is settled and you are at work, he will accept the change and carry on with his normal activity. You can use play later too if your child seems unhappy and you wonder if it's because of his substitute care. Let him play baby-sitter or school. Suggest that he be the sitter or teacher. Then listen.

Many mothers worry that they will lose their child when they go to work - that the caregiver will take her place in his heart. Rest assured this will not happen. Studies have shown that the mother-child bond remains as strong as ever in spite of the child's being cared for by another person. A child can be attached to many caregivers without decreasing his primary attachment to his mother. He will always seek his mother when he needs help.

Sometimes the child who is angry with his mother for leaving him (especially during his stage of separation anxiety) will punish his mother when she comes to pick him up by clinging to the caregiver and seeming to not want to go to his mother. Remember that this is perfectly normal and that he still loves you first and foremost.

You can encourage a feeling of closeness between you and your child even while you are away at work. You can call him on the phone from the office, an you can leave tapes of yourself reading or talking to him so that he can listen to you while you are away. Meet him for lunch some days if you possibly can. But most of all, when you are with him at home be available to him. Let him know how glad you are to see him and how you miss him.

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