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Article Series: Empowerment
I Want To Feel More Empowered...NOW
How
Do I Set Personal Boundaries?
Living your life as an empowered person often
requires the placement of boundaries – invisible “lines” across
which you will not allow people or events to infringe upon
your time or resources.
When you have clear inner boundaries in place, you
know where you stand and you’re able to make decisions
that support and
nurture you. These decisions may include refusing extra obligations
that you do not have the time or desire to fulfill, keeping
a greater distance between you and people who tend to drain
your energy, or insisting that others respect your personal
time.
A disempowered person will usually find it difficult to set
boundaries because they don’t feel that they have the right
to do so, or the strength to stand firm in their decisions.
Does that describe you?
If so, read on for some simple and painless ways to set firmer
boundaries in your life:
1.
First, understand that you have the right to set boundaries.
This
can be difficult if you struggle with low self-esteem
or self-confidence. You might hesitate to set boundaries
because you’re afraid that people won’t like you, or you’ll
hurt someone’s
feelings by refusing their requests for help. However, more
often than not your own feelings will be hurt if you don’t
set boundaries! You’ll find yourself agreeing to do things
you really don’t want to do or don’t have time to do, and
you’ll run yourself ragged trying to please everyone. Setting
boundaries
involves learning to love and respect yourself, and your
time and resources. Get into the habit of affirming your own value and worth,
and strengthen your belief that you deserve to live a calmer,
more peaceful life. Be committed to caring for yourself first,
and then helping others as time allows. Remind yourself that
you don’t have to feel guilty about not saving the world –
do what you can and feel good about it.
2.
Build up your courage.
Learning
to say “no” can be scary, but it’s important to believe that
you have the strength
and
confidence to stand firm in your decisions. One good way
to become more courageous is to understand that nothing bad
will
happen if you refuse extra obligations or favors that someone
asks of you. Will they be disappointed? Probably. Will they
stop speaking to you or get angry with you? Probably not.
Except in extreme circumstances, most often the person will
simply
move on and ask someone else for help. If you do happen to receive a strong negative reaction when
saying no, ask yourself if it really matters to you? That may
sound harsh, but you have to eventually realize that it’s not
your job to make life easier for others – especially when doing
so makes life more difficult for you! A person who gets angry
about your unwillingness to help is probably a person who has
gotten comfortable using you as a doormat. In those cases it’s
best to nip the problem in the bud before it takes over your
life.
3.
Be firm, but nice.
One
of the reasons you may hesitate to say no is because you
think it will make you look “bitchy”
or selfish – but that can be avoided by finding a pleasant
way to say it. Rather than saying brusquely, “No, I won’t
help you with this,” you could say apologetically, “I’m really
sorry,
but I just can’t do it at this time. Maybe another time?”
The majority of people will understand and not be upset.
However,
if you do receive resistance, that is the time to become
more firm in your answers. One of the hardest parts of setting boundaries is learning
to be firm with yourself! You may be tempted to overextend
yourself to help others, even when you know it wouldn’t be
in your best interests. When that temptation arises, you’ll
have to be able to override your desire to please and do what
you know is best for yourself.
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SolveYourProblem.com
: 2008
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