SolveYourProblem Series: Assertiveness
I Want To Be More Assertive!

How Assertive Are You In Social Settings? Can You Say No?

You know her. The Alpha mom who does everything all of the time. She is PTA president, home room advisor, and soccer coach. She makes perfect cupcakes and her children are involved in every activity from piano lessons to little league.

What you might not realize is that she does not enjoy all of the endless activity. As a matter of fact she keeps promising her friends and her husband that she will learn to say no but each time volunteers are requested she finds herself begrudgingly signing up to help.

You might think that it takes a great deal of confidence to take on all of those activities, but often times that is not the case. Women are especially guilty of taking on more then they can handle when it concerns their social circle.

Sometimes people say yes too often because they fear no one else will step up and do things right. Other times it is because they are afraid of losing friends or respect if they say they can not help or have other commitments.

What you must remember if you are one of these people is that your time has value. When you overextend yourself you take your valuable time away from other things and then those things suffer. Time with your children or your spouse is usually the first casualty when someone can't learn to say no. Children grow resentful, marriages crumble, and stress rises for those who are overextended. In order to stop saying yes and get back to having time for yourself alone you need to learn when and how to use the word "no" appropriately.

When to Say No

1. When you do not have time. This may mean that you have to sit down and set up a time budget. Allow yourself a set number of hours per week for yourself, for your spouse, and for your children. Include on your budget time to eat, sleep, and do household tasks. It may seem silly but it gives you a guide to know how much time you have left for other activities. Then as your volunteer requests and time commitments get added fill in the spaces as needed. You can simply look at your time budget and see that you do not have enough hours left to paint the backdrop for the school play but maybe you have enough to help set up the refreshments. Just like a financial budget a time budget can keep you running in the black.
       
2. When you are asked to do something you truly do not enjoy. This is especially true of volunteer opportunities. Everyone wants to help but the key is finding ways to help using skills that you have already. If the band booster club desperately needs a treasurer and you hate dealing with numbers and finance, say no. On the other hand if they need someone to head up the bake sale and you love to bake and organize events then you can say yes.
       
3. When you dislike the other volunteers. This one sounds a little catty, but if an event you enjoy is going to be ruined because you do not get along with other participants then do not do it. You should spend your valuable time with people you enjoy. For example, you like doing classroom parties at your children's school but the person who heads up the committee is insufferable. Instead of putting up with her maybe you could volunteer for field trips, equally fun but much less stress.
   

If you know when you need to say no, the next step is learning how to say no. When you are dealing with social situations saying no with tact is extremely important. You should remember that by saying no you allow others to say yes. It is possible that there are others waiting in the wings to step up who are capable of doing a task just as well as you. You can ease your guilt by thinking of your no as a way of letting someone else say yes.

How To Say "NO" and Not Feel Guilty About It

1. Be honest. It is tempting to make up crazy stories about sick relatives and absurd schedules when you refuse a request. In the end you will almost always be found out and the embarrassment over your little white lie could be tremendous. This does not mean hurting someone's feelings. Of course you can't say that you do not want to do holiday parties because little Timmy's mom makes your skin crawl. But you can say you would rather do something else or that you are not comfortable doing the parties this year. Honest, but not hurtful.
       
2. Be kind. When people ask for your assistance it is because they need help. The school, the team, the church, the local non profit are all in the same boat and it can be difficult to turn them down. When you do say no to them be gentle with your words. Let them know how much you respect what they are doing and give them your apologies. Then try not to feel too guilty as you shut the proverbial door.

Being Assertive In Social Settings

When you are afraid to assert yourself in social settings you wind up spending a lot of time alone. Being assertive means being able to strike up a conversation with a stranger and knowing how to attract friends. Not being assertive is not the same as being shy.

A lot of people who consider themselves shy have plenty of friends and an active social life. It is possible to be both shy and assertive. Shy people eventually open up to friends and experiences. People who are not assertive lack the ability to do so.

To get past a lack of assertiveness you have to put yourself out there even if it makes you uncomfortable. It may mean joining clubs or groups that force social interaction. If you play bridge, join a bridge group and go to their events with the intention of making friends.

Once you are there introduce yourself to others. Ask them about their interests and they will probably ask you about your interests. Don't simply give them one word answers, that is the fastest way to end a conversation.

You have to take control of your social life. If you seek out groups of like minded or interested people a group of friends will quickly follow. But you have to be open to the opportunity.

You can not expect others to include you in their events if you sit in a corner with your arms folded across your chest at every meeting. Be open to others, ask them about themselves, listen when they talk. The adage is true, in order to have a friend you first have to be one.

Once you feel comfortable and have had some pleasant interactions suggest an outing aside from the club. You will probably be surprised to find how many other people are looking for friends too.

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by SolveYourProblem.com : 2011

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