SolveYourProblem Series: Assertiveness
I Want To Be More Assertive!

How To Raise Assertive Children. Teach Them Properly.

We teach our children all sorts of things. We teach them to be polite, to always say please and thank you. We teach them not to interrupt us or others when we are working or to be quiet when someone else is talking. We teach them to be nice to their siblings, to chew with their mouths closed, and to brush their teeth every day.

Do we take the time to teach them to be assertive? It can seem like a small thing, but when you see your own child being treated unfairly it breaks your heart. You might ask them why they did not stand up for themselves only to get a blank look in return. The answer is probably that they do not know how.

Imagine you watched your child playing happily in the sandbox at your favorite park. Pretty soon he is joined by other children and all seems to be going well. Then, you witness the moment when another child rips the sand shovel out of your sweet babe's hand and he does...nothing. He does not cry or get angry. He does not ask for his shovel back. He just sits and looks sad without his shovel.

The event makes you sad because you know that his feelings must be hurt. What might make you even more sad is the realization that he just let himself get taken advantage of by way of a swiped shovel.

There are tools you can use to raise your child so that her or she is assertive and not aggressive. By raising them to be assertive you give them confidence in their own abilities. You give them faith in themselves and tools to deal with conflict.

10 Tips For Raising an Assertive Child

• Be assertive yourself. Children model the behavior of their parents. If they grow up in a home where everyone feels comfortable expressing their feelings and desires your child will learn this behavior.
      
• Let their voices be heard in family matters. Hold family meetings and let them give input. Obviously, small children are not capable of deciding the family budget but they can assist in other ways. Maybe you sit down and come up with a weekly menu and allow them to make suggestions.
      
• Make their opinions valid. In holding those family meetings you sometimes will have to take their suggestions. It might mean hot dogs for dinner on Sunday or a trip to the park or a pet with a silly name but it allows them to know that their opinion is valid.
      
• Follow through on discipline. If you tell your child they will lose dessert if they do not eat their vegetables then you can not fold. Discipline is a building block for boundaries. A child who has boundaries is less likely to allow others to take advantage of him.
      
• Use constructive criticism. If your child kicks or hits you tell him, "stop kicking me it hurts mommy" instead of, "no, you're bad." Letting him know he is doing something wrong without hurting his feeling encourages him to be assertive.
      
• Explain the rules. Tell your child, "you have to eat your breakfast so you will feel good when you play later," is a much better answer then, "because." It allows your child to understand that the rules are not arbitrary.
      
• Let your child make the rules sometimes. If he only wants to wear orange, let him wear orange. As long as the rules he wants to follow are not detrimental to him or others let him follow them. This allows your child to learn about being in control of his own destiny.
      
• As your child gets older talk to him about being assertive. Children of school age and slightly younger can understand how to stand up for themselves if you explain it in simple terms. Give them examples or do role playing games with them to help them understand.
      
• Watch out for their friends. If you see them being bullied by another child try to move them to another play area. By the same token, when you find a friend whose relationship with your child is equally give and take work hard to foster that friendship.
      
• Listen to them. As our children get older it is easy to think that they need us less. That is false, what they need as they get older is for their parents to be available when they are ready and willing to talk. Children who know their voice is heard at home grow up to be assertive adults.

He and she have been used interchangeably in the list above. As any parent knows boys and girls are not the same, especially as they get into the teen years.

Tips for Raising Assertive Girls

• Give her the words to express how she feels. By talking about emotions around her she will feel free to use those words too. When your teenage girls says, "I'm fine" push a little to find out what that means to her.
      
• When she acts assertive at home commend that behavior. Make sure she knows that you respect her assertiveness and that she handled the situation correctly.
      
• Girls are notoriously hard on themselves. Make sure your daughter sees how wonderful she is by asking her to name her strengths during lighter moments not just when she is upset.

Tips for Raising Assertive Boys

• Be wary of them confusing aggression with assertiveness. Too often the boys will be boys mentality encourages unpleasant behavior. Give them the tools to treat others with respect.
      
• Try not to put too much stock into physical attributes. Boys who are smaller or less athletic have more risk of being passive. Encourage their strengths and do not criticize them for physical shortcomings.
      
• Encourage talking. Teenage boys can get awfully quiet around the house. Have meals together every night and get them to talk about their day. A child who feels closed off and unwilling to talk to you is probably talking to his peers instead, and they might not give the best advice.

Raising an assertive child will pay off as they get older. Comfortably confident children are less likely to bend to the will of their peers. They will be more apt to walk away from a bad situation or to keep up good grades even when it is not the cool thing to do.

If you give them the tools to value themselves and their opinions they will have high self esteem and it will show in the friends they choose and the activities they participate in.

That is not to say that they will not make mistakes because they will. But, you can be assured they will learn from those mistakes and feel comfortable coming home to talk about them.

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by SolveYourProblem.com : 2011

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