Women Are Naturally Competitive - Use It!

Dear Dr,

I'm a 43 year-old African-American male with a talkative, friendly, out-going personality. I’ve been married for 16 years, (but we’re struggling), with a 6 year old son. I work in a middle school as an attendance teacher, which gives me access to a computer that handles school-wide data on all our students.

Everyone knows that if they want any information about the children to come to me. The women in my building are in my office all the time!!

As they wait for their computer reports they tell me about all their personal problems including sexual ones! One female co-worker started telling me how she doesn't like anal sex! Then she asked me if I was any good at it.

My co-workers know that my marriage is going south. No communication, no sex!! And even at the office parties I'm always a "hit" with the ladies; talking to them, dancing with them, etc. But later on, when I tried to ask a few of them out to dinner, or to have some private time together, they all just quietly refuse. But the next day they're in my office again!! I can't figure it out what's going on!

Help!

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Hello Del!

Here's an interesting parallel - my gay friends tell me the same things! Don't take offense here, I'm not saying that you're gay, but I believe your answer may lie there somewhere.

Many women approach my gay friends because they are gay. In other words, they aren't a "threat" to them. They feel they can get a man's perspective without the fear of getting hit on, (while these women ARE getting a man's perspective, they aren't getting the perspective of men that they'd be interested in!) I often have to chuckle at the advice they get from these guys - they guys are right by the way, but not always "right" from the perspective of heterosexual men!

This also happens when you’re out with your girl and making conversation with a waitress, a cashier or clerk, or even when you’re out by yourself and wearing a wedding ring. Women will often flirt with a man that she sees as no threat.

You see, you've become the available, concerned friend to these women. They obviously see YOU as no threat. They can come to you and talk about their personal, private lives anytime they like - not the position you want to be in! Many men try to do this - they try to "work it from the inside". By becoming the "friend" to these women, you exclude yourself from being anything else. It's a woman thing - women see men in only two categories "boyfriend material" and "everyone else". You, my brother, are in the "everyone else" category.

There is a ton of science behind all of this, and I won't bore you with the details. Suffice it to say, you don't want to be in this situation! So, what do you do? First, stop being the sounding board for all of these women's personal problems. You need to start generating a different image with them, and with the other women you meet. You might even turn it back around and say something like, "Why don't you talk to your boyfriend about this? That's what he's there for, isn't he?" Or, even go so far as to suggest that you only talk sex with someone you're having sex with. This is a good time to start being "the bad boy".

Once you start appearing to be a challenge to these women, they will start to see you differently. With a number of women involved, you can even play them against each other! Why not let them "compete" to dance with you or get your attention. Believe me, this will go much farther than to try to work it from the inside.

Best regards...

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Have a love, relationship, sex or man/woman question? I answer all email. You can write to me at dwneder@beingman.com for answers. For more information about my books, "Being a Man in a Woman's World" (volume I & II), and other products visit: www.beingaman.com. Check out the discussion group at: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/beingaman.

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