What Is Rape?

Greetings,

I am writing to hopefully clear a few things up. Since you're so good at teaching us all how to get women home and screw them, I am finding that some of my guy friends confusedly seem to be in the business of raping. At least, I think it's raping. Maybe you can help me here.

It seems that every women's magazine I see has some cover story that talks about rape, but I never see the topic covered in men's magazines. It can't be that all the women are being raped by one guy, so maybe this is an issue that needs to be addressed.

My roommate and I went out a few nights ago. I was playing the wingman, so I let him work the scene. Eventually he finds this cute chick and she ends up coming over to our place. They were in the living room and I was chillin in my room. I had to get to the kitchen and when I walked through the room, I saw him starting to undress the now very passed out girl. I freaked on him when I saw that. His reasoning was that she was totally into him and if she hadn't passed out they would have had sex anyway. Besides, he said, what else was she there for? To actually get to know him or something. Hell, I didn't know. Maybe she was there to talk and not have sex. I said, believe it or not, she's actually a person, not just some thing you screw. That really pissed him off, so right in front of me he starts pinching her tits. I told him if he laid another finger on her I'd called the cops.

Well, as you can imagine, things between us aren't so good now. I'm even thinking about moving out. He thinks I betrayed him somehow. Call me crazy, doc, but that just don't seem right to me. I talked to some of my female friends about it, and it seems a lot of women pass out and a guy they know or don't know will have sex with them. I can't imagine what that would feel like to wake up somewhere and while I'd been passed out find that some gay guy did me. How could it be different for chicks who are passed out when a guy does them? Do you think I was right to freak on my roommate?

Thanks

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Hello!

The concept of rape has been hugely overblown by the media over the past 10 years or so. It actually came to the point where some women regretted sleeping with a man (due to alcohol, or whatever), and then claimed that they were raped after the fact! I'm not trying to down-play the seriousness of rape here, but I'm trying to give some perspective. Rape is a very specific crime. It is defined as "sexual intercourse performed forcibly and unlawfully against her will". Note that I said "her" rather than "a person's". This is exactly how the law defines rape in most of the US! Accordingly, men can't be legally raped!

I chose to look at this somewhat differently however. I believe that rape is sexual intercourse where there is a lack of conscious consent. Note that consent can only be given before an act occurs - not afterward, and is explicit, not assumed. Further it can only be given by people who have reached the age of consent; which differs in different parts of the world, (hence the crime of "statutory rape").

I'm not a lawyer, but in my opinion what your friend attempted was rape by this very definition. What he achieved would probably be viewed by most any court as sexual assault. These are both crimes.

Was she "asking for it", or did she give consent before she passed out? I don't know, but herein lies the second part of the discussion; that consent can only be given consciously. The reason for that is simple. Consent can be given AND taken away. She didn't have the ability to remove her consent, and thus, this can't be acceptable sexual intercourse by my definition.

I want you, my friends, all my readers, and all my students to have lots of bounce-off-the-wall, mind-blowing sex. I believe it is healthy, pleasurable, stress-relieving, mind expanding, maturing and an important vehicle for relationships, communication and just plain fun. However, the rule from which I will not vary is that of conscious consent.

As to what you should do about this, I don't know. It comes down to the relationship you have with your roommate, but I'd ask you this: is this the type of person you want in your pool of friends? My dad used to say, "Pick your friends more carefully than you do your wardrobe." He has been proven out more times than I can count.

Best regards...

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Have a love, relationship, sex or man/woman question? I answer all email. You can write to me at dwneder@beingman.com for answers. For more information about my books, "Being a Man in a Woman's World" (volume I & II), and other products visit: www.beingaman.com. Check out the discussion group at: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/beingaman.

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