What Do Men Really Want?

Doctor:

What do men really want out of life? Do they really want to get married or do they just want to have sex with whomever until they get old or do they have to feel alone before they make the step into a relationship?

What do men really think of women and what do they expect out of women? You hear a lot of points of views from women on how men should act and what they think they should do. I want to know a man's point of views on relationships, getting married and being alone. I have found out that a lot of groups that are for men and women only favor their own sex.

And why do you tell men and women to have sex in their relationship if they are not married you know it causes one or the other to form an attachment or love which in turn hurts when the other doesn't feel the same way about you.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hello!

Well, aren't we full of questions this morning!

First, I don't believe that there is any one "model" that fits all men or all women. Everyone is different and is motivated by different things. With that said however, I do believe that marriage and commitment isn't as attractive to most men as it is to most women, and I think that's what the bulk of your questions are about.

Men struggle every single day to meet the goals that are imposed on them by society. Sure, you're thinking, "Well, so do women!" but there's a difference. Men's impositions have been around for a long time and are actually the fabric of our society and culture. Women's are more "self-imposed". For instance, men are expected to hold down steady jobs, provide for themselves and their families and to do everything (including in relationships) with "honor". That means being up-front and direct.

Women are under no such obligation! For instance, when a woman loses her job, she may be concerned, but it doesn't relate directly to her self-image. Men's jobs ARE directly related in this way. Men that don't provide for themselves and their families are looked down upon and ridiculed by society! I'm sure you even know of direct examples of this.

Another example comes directly from relationships. I hear women say all the time, "Well, he wasn't up-front about things from the beginning..." ...and therefore he's a "dog" or a "pig" or something else. However, women are NEVER up-front about their intentions in relationships! Studies have continued to show that women have all sorts of tools they use to get guys to expose their agenda's up front without having to do so themselves! I've never heard any woman (or man for that matter) chastise a woman for this! In fact, it's even glorified and made to seem "cute" by the modern media!

With commitment, consider that men and women view this very differently too. For example, women view commitment as security, future, family, love, closeness, support and many other "good" things. Men view commitment (and likewise, marriage) as responsibility, stress, loss of freedom, loss of choice, a life of toiling to meet the demands of that relationship, and many other "bad" things! These are very common feelings among most men.

Yes, some men want to get married and yes, some men just want to have a lot of sexual partners throughout the rest of their lives. These are both valid goals, but it depends on the individual. Most women (not all) would prefer to enter into married arrangements and even our laws support women in doing so - against men! Men rarely come out ahead in divorces for instance, or family custody battles, or just about anything involved with dissolution. Frankly, with all the problems involved, I'm actually surprised that anyone gets married at all!

As to why I tell people that they should have sex before getting married, it's because I believe that our sexualities are the most powerful part of our personalities. By learning about this so-powerful aspect of ourselves, we also learn about how we can function within married situations. People say that sex isn't the most important thing in a relationship, and I agree. However, it's in the top three! That makes it significant enough to stress it as a priority. Anyone that gets married without having explored the other person's (and their own) sexuality is simply assuming that an unhealthy relationship is acceptable, and that they'll handle the consequences when they come to them. That's absurd! Marriage isn't a passing thought - it's a life long commitment!

Further, nobody falls in love because they have sex. That is a fallacy. If it were true, there'd be a lot fewer marriages, and a lot more vibrator sales! People (particularly women) ALLOW themselves to fall in love with an ideal - not the real person. This generally comes from an immature idea of sex and relationships - something that can be solved by exploring sex in a more healthy way!

Considering the benefits a person gains through sexual experience I can't think of a better answer than to recommend and encourage it.

You might want to check out our discussion group (free): http://groups.yahoo.com/group/beingaman for more.

Best regards...

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Have a love, relationship, sex or man/woman question? I answer all email. You can write to me at dwneder@beingman.com for answers. For more information about my books, "Being a Man in a Woman's World" (volume I & II), and other products visit: www.beingaman.com. Check out the discussion group at: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/beingaman.

Copyright (c) 2004-2011, Dr. Dennis W. Neder
All rights reserved.