The "Owned Woman"

Dear Dr. Neder:

I began a relationship with a married man on the internet over 2 1/2 years ago. I appreciated his ideas of family and relationships. He told me his marriage was over and subsequently we had a meeting face to face within three months. The first time he made love to me he told me he loved me and I said I love you to him. I love him very much, after four days we left California where I resided and I moved to New York where he resides to live with him.

We are very close, he knows me like no other man has ever known me. I love him very much, the infatuation has worn off and now it is a real relationship. He asked me to marry him and I took him seriously but now I see it is never going to happen. I am devastated by it. He is still married and has done nothing to obtain a divorce, even though he says he wants one, he has many excuses; financial obligation, mortgage, insurance, groceries, all utility bills, cable, gasoline medical and dental bills, the list is endless, so he would pay less if he were divorced but he says his wife won't take care of the bills so he has to anyway.

Okay I understand but why not get a divorce and continue to do what he is doing? He has contacted an attorney friend to prepare documents, but he has not filed for divorce with the paperwork he has completed.

I have cried, pleaded, begged, argued, and my efforts are useless. I am beginning to realize it isn't that he doesn't want a divorce; he doesn't want to marry me.

I cannot express to you the heartache I feel over all of this I don't know what to do, my only option is one day to just leave but at this time I cannot bring myself to do this, Im not a perfect woman but I want to be able to prevent this kind of heartache in the future.

What is wrong with me? I do everything for him, I take care of him, help him in his office, make his breakfast and dinner every day during the week, if he comes home late I make dinner at 10:00pm at night, I take care of his children on the weekends while he and his wife work at separate places of course, but I feel she works on the weekend to get away from her children while I am there all day Saturday to care for them. He has seven children four at home, ages 7-15years, the youngest is Autistic and he is difficult to care for but I do it. I have recently told him I can no longer baby-sit on the weekend because I have to get out and get a life, I have been here for 2 1/2 years and I don't have any friends which is not typical behavior for me, part of the reason is I am tied down every weekend by his children and because I am so ashamed of my lifestyle I don't want anyone to know that I am a mistress, even though he insists I am not I know what I am.

In any event, when I told him I could not longer baby-sit on the weekend he told me we would have to break up. I felt my world crashing in and I have come to the reality that he has no intention of marrying me. At first I was angry with him, now I have accepted it knowing the truth I have no intention of harassing him anymore to get a divorce.

I have an eleven year old son, who is very unhappy that we are in this position.

Please tell me what you think.

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Hello!

I think you've created one hell of a mess for yourself.

As I began to read your letter, I started to think you were putting your emphasis in the wrong place - being married. As I constantly tell people, there aren't too many divorces, there are too many marriages! In fact, women often push for marriage even if the relationship isn't perfect - or isn't even good for that matter. Then, they wind up married and unhappy and lives start getting damaged all over the place; the man's, the woman's, kids, families, etc. In fact, what is important isn't the "format" of the relationship at all - it's the quality.

As I finished reading your letter, I began to realize the problem here is simply you. You threw away the life you had in California for some dream without any background for it. You moved after 4 days? Doesn't your son and your own life deserve better consideration than that? It obviously didn't when you made the decision.

Now, you're available for sex and companionship, to cook and clean for him, and you're his kid's nanny. Let me guess - you also don't work. He supports you and pays your bills too. That's a pretty good deal for this guy (and his wife, by the way!) But you're not happy with it now. I don't blame him for threatening to break up with you if you don't stay status quo. He's got everything he wants! Why would he want to lose that?

The real question is this: what do you want? Do you want to be a person that is owned by this guy, or do you want to finally have a life? You made this decision once before and you choose poorly. I suggest you make the decision again and choose wisely this time. You have a choice, but it's not about what he does or doesn't do at all. It's about you.

Best regards...

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Have a love, relationship, sex or man/woman question? I answer all email. You can write to me at dwneder@beingman.com for answers. For more information about my books, "Being a Man in a Woman's World" (volume I & II), and other products visit: www.beingaman.com. Check out the discussion group at: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/beingaman.

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