The Selfish Girlfriend

Dr. Neder,

I recently read an article on your webpage that is similar to my own situation, which should clue me in, but still I'm soliciting your advice.

My girlfriend and I met in December and by February we were dating, exclusively. We fell in love very quickly and within six weeks she was no longer a virgin. Our relationship grew until approximately August when I learned several disturbing things about her.

First I learned that her father abused her physically, sexually, and emotionally as a child. I always though something happened, but never knew the extent – which was huge. Despite the abuse she still swears to love her father very much, a clear sign of codependency.

She was promiscuous during the entire time the abuse occurred never having sex but mostly giving head (about 40 guys in just a 2 year period), and allowing guys to do some crazy things to her. She was also assaulted by a group of guys including an ex-boyfriend and her now step brother. They pinned her against a car and started fingering her. Like victims will she froze.

The second issue was that she had started talking to an ex-fling again and she claimed that it was only plutonic but it was evident that she was enjoying it and felt guilty. I asked her to end the contact with this guy and she agreed. The following day I discovered that she had been carrying on a “relationship” with him via email and that she would talk to him at night even after we had been together.

Well after several discussions and her agreeing to end the relationship with him, I forgave her and we prepared for her departure to college. She moved at the end of August to attend college. What followed was a sequence of lies that continued through out our relationship. She never even told him that she had a boyfriend!

After I confronted her, she tried to explain to that she never really loved him and that she just said that so he would still be interested. She said that she never wanted to be with him but played along for the attention. She said that she cheated on me during a college visit trip to the states, when she met up with this guy. He didn't even know that she had a boyfriend!

She told me that she had sex with me to prove to me, but mostly to prove to herself, that she loved me. She also said that there were a couple of times that she didn't want to have sex but did because she felt obligated because she had cheated.

After our discussion the future of our relationship was in jeopardy. Not because I was going to end it but because she was. She said that she had to decide whether or not she loved her pride more than me. We've made up since then and for the last two weeks or so, it's been good.

I've forgiven her and I want to be together. But she doesn't seem to be going out of her way to prove to me that she loves me, she hasn't gone out of her way to earn back my trust, and I still feel like I'm putting more effort into the relationship than she is. I'm headed to Iraq in December, so the next time I see her is in November for 10 days, then the next time after that is in June for R&R for two weeks. We are destined to spend the next couple of years apart and I really want this to last forever, and she has said that she does as well. But lately I've just stressing out about it but I'm afraid to talk to her about it and I’ve been having nightmares. I don't know what to do.

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Hello!

Well, you've got some great armchair psychology going on. Let me ask you this: are you this girl's boyfriend, or her therapist? Trust me: you can't be both.

I'm not at all surprised that she doesn't seem to be investing in your trust. Why should she? She already has everything from you that she wants. There's no benefit to her to make you trust her at all! She has your love, she has your trust, she has your belief in her, she has your future, she even has your balls which she has had made into some nice earrings. You give these things away as though they had no value whatsoever. Guess what? To her, they don't.

Let me stress this point: this woman isn't going to get "better" than she is right now. She's going to constantly be out for herself - her needs, her goals, her wants - all to the exclusion of yours. If she can prevent you from reaching your goals, all the better in her eyes as this gives even more value to her own! Is that really what you want in your relationships? I sincerely hope not!

You need to wake up here and see what's really going on. Women that have good self-images and respect and consideration (even love) for the men they're with, don't act like this. Further, you can't love her care about her enough to make her change. Even worse, all of this is extremely unhealthy for you.

If you want my advice, here it is: dump this bitch. Go get your balls back from her first, and then cut off all contact. Zero. Nada. Zilch. Nothing. Period. Move on with your life and seek out those women that are healthy and want to be with a healthy man. Don't try to "fix" someone that is fundamentally broken - especially when they themselves don't want to be fixed.

Best regards...

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Have a love, relationship, sex or man/woman question? I answer all email. You can write to me at dwneder@beingman.com for answers. For more information about my books, "Being a Man in a Woman's World" (volume I & II), and other products visit: www.beingaman.com. Check out the discussion group at: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/beingaman.

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