Dear Dr. Dennis,

I have been dating a girl that attends my school for about three months now. Everything started out wonderfully; I was comfortable telling her anything and everything, and our relationship was a lot of fun.

Now it is a little different. I still look forward to seeing her, but I worry a lot about whether or not she is satisfied with our relationship...if she is a bad mood or is having a bad day I tend to start thinking that it is my fault, which leads to feelings of guilt. As much as I have told myself that such things are not my fault, I don't know how to cope the feelings of worry that I am experiencing.

Also, I have been worrying about whether or not she is bored with our relationship. She has seemed distant and unenthusiastic lately. When I ask her what the problem is she does not deny that there is a problem but she says that she does not know what it is.

I would like to talk to her about our relationship but I feel as though she is annoyed when I talk with her about it. This relationship is taking a toll on my life - I feel upset and unhappy when I am not with her, and it is starting to get to the point where I am unhappy even around her. Isn't love supposed to feel good for the most part? Please tell me what I can do to fix this, as I have enjoyed our relationship for the most part and do not think that I am ready to end it without trying to remedy the problem first.

Thanks for your response.

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Hello!

It sounds like you've made her the entire focus of your life - her every thought, feeling, concern, bit of happiness, etc. This is NOT a healthy relationship!

Let me offer you another picture of what a healthy relationship looks like: two people that have their own lives, their own directions that are growing everyday on their own. These people spend time apart pursuing their lives and even having fun without the other. But, when they do get together, they feel even better about themselves than when they're apart. However, they don't trade one for the other.

It appears that is exactly what you've done here. You've stopped growing (and perhaps she's done the same thing) in order to force time together. Here's an article that will help you understand what a "good" relationship looks like:

http://www.beingaman.com/know_your_relationship_is_right.htm

Here's what I suggest you do: get yourself a hobby. Go find something that really interests you - and tell her to do the same thing. Don't be afraid that she's going to choose the hobby over you - it doesn't work that way. Instead, get yourself growing and become an interesting person again. You'll also have a ton of new things to talk about!

Finally, good relationships are about growth - both individually and together. Many couples forget this. They think that every waking minute should be focused on each other, and this is nothing more than relationship death. On the other hand, when two powerful people - each with their own direction - come together purely because they like themselves even better when they see themselves through the other's eyes, that's when the magic happens.

Best regards...

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Have a love, relationship, sex or man/woman question? I answer all email. You can write to me at dwneder@beingman.com for answers. For more information about my books, "Being a Man in a Woman's World" (volume I & II), and other products visit: www.beingaman.com. Check out the discussion group at: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/beingaman.

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