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Online dating tips and relationship advice from Dr. Neder...
Overcoming
Nervousness
Dear Dennis:
I am writing to
you because I'm in desperate need of some advice. I always feel
very tense and shy when it comes to interacting with the opposite
sex. My mind goes blank, I get nervous, and feel very self-conscious.
To cut a long story short, I'm not as successful with women
as I feel I could be. There are three main problems that I need
help with:
1) I always feel
extremely tense when in the presence of attractive women. Whenever
I want to approach a woman, I chicken-out due to nerves. How
can I overcome this?
2) What should
I say? Should I start a friendly conversation, or tell her straight
away that I'm attracted to her?
3) When is it okay
to "move in for the kill", e.g. attempt to kiss her,
caress her hair, or ask her to "come back to my place"?
I have read several
of your letters, and have complete faith that you'll be able
to help with my problem.
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Hello!
Believe me, you
are NOT alone in all of this! Almost every man (98%) feels exactly
the way you do. After all, nobody wants to get shot down when
they approach a woman, or worse yet, get some kind of "as
if!" response. So, don't feel like you're alone in all
of this.
Now, here's the
upside: women don't want to be alone the rest of their lives
any more than you do! Thus, they're just as interested (or even
more so) in meeting someone as you are.
So, let's look
at how to go about handling these problems. First, I strongly
recommend that you pick up a copy of my book, "Being a
Man in a Woman's World" as it goes into all of this in
much greater depth than I can in a single email. So, to wit:
As you're already
aware, being nervous when you approach a woman is absolutely
contrary to your goals. You want to come of with smooth, calm
confidence. Being a nervous, stammering idiot is not going to
get you a phone number.
Almost every guy
makes this mistake when he is first starting out: he finds a
particular girl and focuses all of his energies on her, hoping
to do everything just right. Of course, he doesn't have any
practice and therefore just makes mistakes. She, sensing his
lack of experience, turns him down. My father had a great saying:
"Only PERFECT practice makes perfect." What he meant
by this is that you have to have a bunch of little successes
before you can play at a master's level. In other words, you
build on your successes.
To do this you
need to practice. But, don't practice by going out and getting
shot down. Do it by practicing in your mind first! This is called
"guided visualization". Here's how: every day, find
some quiet time in a comfortable room without any distractions.
Turn off the TV, the phone, etc., and sit down in a comfortable
chair - but don't lie down - it's too relaxing and you'll fall
asleep. Sit in a way where you don't have to use any muscles
to stay upright. Also, don't cross your arms or legs.
Now, take a few
slow, deep breaths. After 4-5 of them, close your eyes. You
first need to relax your body so that your mind can focus on
the task at hand. You do this by going through ever part of
your body and imagining it as totally and completely relaxed.
Start with your
feet and move up your ankles to your calves, your thighs, your
hips, your stomach, your lower back, your upper back, your chest,
your shoulders, down your arms to your forearms to your wrists
your hands and your fingers. Next, move back up to your hands,
your forearms, your upper arms, your shoulders, up into your
neck, to the back of your head, over the sides of your head,
your ears, your face, your eyes and your mouth.
This relaxation
process will take a few minutes - don't cheat! It's a critical
step in all of this - after all, you want to be relaxed when
you approach women right? This is the time to start programming
your mind to do this.
Once you've got
your body completely relaxed, imagine yourself, walking through
somewhere you've been. Don't imagine yourself from the outside
as though you're watching yourself in a movie - actually look
out of your own eyes. Try to imagine as much detail as you can
including the sights, sounds, even the smells.
Imagine that you're
totally relaxed and confident. You might want to use an example
for this like James Bond or John Wayne. Next, imagine walking
up to a beautiful women and saying hello. Just have a short,
non-specific conversation with her in your mind. You might talk
about anything - the place you're at, the band if there is one,
etc. Imagine her reacting very positively to you; laughing at
your jokes, leaning toward you, looking you right in the eye,
etc. The more vivid you can make this imagination the better.
And, with practice, it will get more and more real.
Then, after a few
minutes of this, just say, "It's been nice talking to you.
Let me have your home phone number and I'll contact to get together
for a drink some time." Then, imagine her enthusiastically
reaching into her purse, pulling out a business card, writing
her home number on it and giving it to you.
If you practice
this every day, at least 15-20 minutes you'll find that your
mind begins to accept the message. This is because of a fact
that was discovered about 100 years ago: the mind can't differentiate
between what is real, and what is imagined with complete belief!
It won't make you 100% at ease when approaching women - that
only comes with practice. But, it WILL help reduce your anxiety
substantially (perhaps as much as 50-75%). That is very significant
and will really help you get into the game.
Regarding when
to make the first move, check out this article on that very
subject:
Making
The First Move
Best regards...
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- - -
Have a love, relationship,
sex or man/woman question? I answer all email. You can write
to me at dwneder@beingman.com
for answers. For more information about my books, "Being
a Man in a Woman's World" (volume I & II), and other
products visit: www.beingaman.com.
Check out the discussion group at: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/beingaman.
Copyright (c) 2004-2008, Dr. Dennis W. Neder
All rights reserved.
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