Financial Accounting in Relationships

Dr. Neder,

I have been dating my boyfriend for 4 months. I am 27 and he is 31. My boyfriend has not slept home in his own apartment, which he shares with his brother, in almost 2 months.

He likes the heat at 85. I like it at 70. My electric bill for my one-bedroom apartment came the other day, and it was $191. I was annoyed. I feel like he should pay for it. I also feel like he should be paying some of the rent if he's going to be staying at my house every night.

Not to be too precocious, but the fact of the matter is, he's getting all the benefits of living with me: sex, my company, waited on hand and foot, and he's not paying for it! I'm annoyed at the very least. My friends say he should pay the difference in the electric bill. I don't think that's enough. I don't think we're ready to move in together, but I think he should be helping me out more.

In his defense, he does bring me dinner every night and pick up soda and cat food and he owns a gas station so I get free gas. There are definite financial perks, but I feel like he's living with me for free. Can you advise?

Thanks.

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Hello!

If you want a roommate - and for this to become a business deal - stop being the "girlfriend" and start being a landlord.

In regards to the "benefits" of sex and your company: that's pretty damn arrogant! You TOO are getting those benefits! If you weren't all you'd need to do is get fresh batteries for your vibrator and spend more time with your cat!

As far as the electric bill, it sounds like you're more than compensated with the free gas, pet food, dinners, etc. If all you're looking for is a ledger accounting, pull out a sheet of paper and make a list, draw a balance and give him a bill - or pay your own half if goes his way.

Relationships are rarely "equitable". In fact, it's usually the GUY that pays by far the most, not the girl. That doesn't mean that money has to exchange hands however. It means that there should be some trade-offs. For instance, if your boyfriend is buying you dinner every night, that's easily going to add up to far more than the electric bill. Thus, you're actually saving money here!

If you wait on him "hand and foot", that's your choice - and your "investment" in this relationship. Things like rent, cable and other hard costs are things you'd have to pay anyway if he wasn't there, so no, you shouldn't expect him to pay for these things. If your utilities go way up, and you can't afford to pay for them - even though he's paying for other (much more expensive) things, then you have a financial problem that he's not going to solve for you!

Look, I'm not trying to take the guy's side here, but it seems that YOU are in control of what happens. If you don't like it, boot his ass out and make him sleep at his own place. Don't trade sex and love for money. We have names for women like that and I don't think you're one of them.

Best regards...

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