Should I Let My Girlfriend Go and Get Married?

Hi Dr. Neder,

I am not sure about this "writing for advice" business....I am conflicted in that I should be able and/or willing to answer this question myself. Yet, I also feel that I need an outside perspective. So, if you have a moment to spare, could you advise a stranger, i.e. me?

The problem is I am with a really nice girl, she's 34 and I am 36, and we've been seeing each other for over 2 years now. I am unsure what to do next. I do not feel ready to marry for a few compelling reasons. The question is, then, as my girlfriend deserves a guy who will support her and give her a family....and I am not ready or willing to fill this role, shouldn't I break up with her??? Isn't best for her and I that I confront this problem now? She is not in her 20's so time is not on our side.

I look at other women all the time. I have had only a few serious relationships and I think that this contributes greatly to my aversion to commitment.

To make matters worse, I'm kind of passive/aggressive with conflicts. I typically avoid any tense encounters. I have met people who do not shy away or flinch in their relations to others and these folks usually have good understanding of what sort of person they want to be with. My avoidance puts me in the opposite position. That is probably why I am writhing, wrestling and writing regarding this relationship.

Ultimately, I want to do what is best and do it now. I would rather make a mistake and lose a great girl and gain wisdom than hide from a tough decision. Ok, do you have any impressions? Thanks for your time and consideration of my problem.

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Hello!

Don't worry. I get letters every single day from people just like you. In fact, understanding relationship/dating/sex issues is very difficult. After all, where do you go to get this type of information? Most people rely on their own experiences - and continue to make the same mistakes over and over again. By asking for some perspective, you get to break that mold and get new ideas, perspective and tools that will help you work through your particular issue and reach your goals.

I see so many people making this mistake it's unbelievable. Let me ask you: what's more important, a happy, healthy relationship where both parties are getting what they want and need, or being married? It's not that you can't have both, but one deals specifically with your happiness and the other deals with the FORMAT of the relationship.

Most people enter into relationships thinking that they are moving along some path. They see marriage or living together in their futures, but don't stop to consider the important aspects of the relationship itself - the quality, their own goals, wants, needs, etc. Then, they wind up living together or getting married before it's time just because that's the next step; or so they think.

Women are particularly vulnerable to this type of thinking because so much pressure is put on them to be married. However, as I tell people all the time, there aren't too many divorces, there are too many marriages!

So, where does this leave you?

My first recommendation is to sit down and work over your relationship goals. If you don't have them, get to writing them out. You should have goals for all areas of your life, including your relationship. Then, when you're finished simply compare your current relationship to your goals. Do they fit? If not, where do you need to work to make them fit? Will you only be happy by being married? Do you want a family? There are a thousand of these questions you need to ask.

Next, apply these goals to your relationship, but do this only for yourself. Your girlfriend has to work on her goals too and do this same thing. You can't do this for her.

Finally, if you find areas that aren't being fulfilled, then consider what you have to do to make the work. Then, get to work on them!

Also important: everyone, even those people in loving, committed relationships find other people attractive. Being attracted to other's looks isn't a big deal because there is so much more to look for in a mate. That alone isn't reason enough to end your current relationship. Having it not meet your goals however, is.

The bottom line is this:

1) You can't set goals for anyone else but yourself. Your girlfriend has to have her own goals.
2) If you have goals, you can easily see if this is the "right" relationship for you or not.
3) If it's not as close to perfect as you need, figure out what you need to make it so and then start working on that.
4) Only consider marriage if it works in with your plans and only if it adds to your relationship. Don't just get married because it seems like the "next step".

Best regards...

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Have a love, relationship, sex or man/woman question? I answer all email. You can write to me at dwneder@beingman.com for answers. For more information about my books, "Being a Man in a Woman's World" (volume I & II), and other products visit: www.beingaman.com. Check out the discussion group at: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/beingaman.

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