Speak Up! Getting What You Want In Bed (for Women)

I get a lot of reader mail - much of it from women complaining about how men don't know how to please their girlfriends. I always have the same response - what have YOU done about it?

Too many women feel that men should "just know" how to please a woman in bed. This is just plain ridiculous! I'm convinced that there is no such thing as a "natural born lover". Making love is a skill that is learned (for both men AND women by the way - very few women are really good lovers - men just happen to be less picky about most of it!) Further, every woman is a brand new classroom. Often, the things that worked for one woman don't work for another.

Here's the reality: if you aren't getting what you want from your partner - it's YOUR fault and YOUR responsibility!

Why Women Don't Tell

Many women feel that "coaching" their partners would hurt their egos; and for some this may be true. If so, you may have to be more careful, but you don't have to put up with a lousy lover! You can broach the subject easily by first asking him what HE wants. As he's telling you, make mental notes - you can use the help too, believe me! Women are NOT natural lovers either. Many, many women just lay there waiting to have things done to them and then claim that they really know how to please a man. Sorry sister - it ain't necessarily so!

After he's given you the litany of things he likes, feel free to tell him that you have things you want too. He'll understand and probably want to know more - much more! If he doesn't, what are you doing with him in the first place?

Other women feel that he "should just know." How's he going to know what you want if you don't tell him? Should he just try everything until he happens upon the thing you really want? That's just stupid. What man is going to spend all that time trying everything, getting shot down on most of it to try to find what you want? If you take this approach, don't be hurt or surprised if he brings home another woman to try a threesome - just in case that's what you want!

Many times, I've asked lovers what they do and don't like in bed. The most common answer is, "oh, I like just about everything!" Hogwash! When a man asks you this, he isn't interested in your "range" of sexual interest - he really wants to know what things you enjoy. You should be thrilled if your lover asks. Many don't know that they should! If you don't know the answer to this question yourself, you've got some work to do.

If You Don't Say It, Don't Expect It!

If he hasn't found your hot button(s) and you haven't told him about them he isn't going to know. Period. You've got to speak up! Women's sexual response is rather more complicated than men's. Sure, it's easy for YOU to know what YOU want - but not for him. You've got to drop your guard a little and let him in on the secret.

Again, you don't need to be concerned by what you say - he's probably going to be really into anything you come up with. Men are almost always willing to try new things. As one of my female friends says, "That's why I like men - my fantasies are their playground!"

Don't Be Ashamed or Afraid

Women, you'd be surprised by how open your man probably is to new ideas. Want to be tied up and ravished? Most men would jump at the chance! Would you like to get better oral sex? Most men are very willing to help. Is he too fast or too slow? Why not say so - but do it in a sensitive, caring way with the goal of improving your sex life.

I have a friend that that had a fantasy about being a slave girl on a ship. She told her boyfriend who, a few months later rented a sailboat (he was an avid sailor), and, on a warm summer day, sailed her to the middle of nowhere, lashed her to the mast, stripped her and ravished her - more than fulfilling her fantasy (and starting a bunch more!) In fact, it was so good for her, she still can't stop telling the story to just about anyone that will listen!

Your man is probably very interested in what turns you on, so frankly, you have very little (if any!) risk in telling him.

Don't Expect Him to Jump Through Hoops

When you tell him about your desires, don't set the bar too high. Some women's fantasies are quite complex, involving props, sets, lighting, etc. For example, if you've always wanted to join the "mile-high club", don't expect him to rush out and get his pilot's license so that he can fulfill your fantasy. If you really want this fantasy to come true, and the bathrooms on those commercial flights are just too cramped, YOU may have to get YOUR pilot's license, or be more creative!

You may have to help him along. Oral sex is a good example. Simply telling him you like it isn't going to get you oral the way you want it. He's likely to just dive right in. He probably doesn't understand the kind of build-up you need before getting that most intimate of kisses. Take some time and make him understand. This is the time to be specific about things - after all, it's your satisfaction we're talking about here!

If You Don't Know, You Can't Tell It

Do you fantasize? Almost every women asked this question by her man say's "no", as though it would make her a slut or something if she did. The fact is, almost everyone fantasizes - and does so regularly. Whether it's while having sex or masturbating, sitting in class or at work, driving in your car, or whatever - fantasizing is common - very, very common. So, drop the embarrassment and fear! There is nothing wrong with fantasizing - in fact most psychologist feel that it is a normal, healthy way of exploring your own sexuality.

One of the reasons why women are reluctant to discuss their needs in bed is that many of them simply don't know themselves. Whether through repression, embarrassment, fear, bad experiences, or whatever, many women never allow themselves to explore their sexual side. I have to wonder what these women are waiting for! There is little that makes a person feel so alive as sex. You are as deeply "inside" as you can get as well as outside at the same time. Why waste this tremendous gift? I can tell you that your lover doesn't want you to!

Best regards...

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Have a love, relationship, sex or man/woman question? I answer all email. You can write to me at dwneder@beingman.com for answers. For more information about my books, "Being a Man in a Woman's World" (volume I & II), and other products visit: www.beingaman.com. Check out the discussion group at: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/beingaman.

Copyright (c) 2004-2011, Dr. Dennis W. Neder
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