The "Insider Friend"

Dr. Neder,

I've been dating my girlfriend for about 3 weeks now and we've had a few problems. We've worked most of them out, but there's one that just won't go away. There's this guy that has some attention issues (he's desperate for attention) and he's spending time with her, which pisses me off because I know what he feels about her.

Now, about a month ago my girlfriend asked me not to talk to this chick that she absolutely hates and so I said ok because I knew it made her very uncomfortable and I respect her feelings. Well, this guy makes me feel very uncomfortable when he's around her (which is more than when I'm with her because he's a bastard and it's bugging the crap out of me) and so I told her how I felt.

It's not that I didn't want them to stop talking, it's just they've spent more time then my girlfriend and I have. So I told her that I totally stopped talking to this chick because it made her feel uncomfortable and she gave me this line of bullshit, "You can't even compare them two!" I was simply telling her what made me uncomfortable and that she should respect that.

He's still being a bastard and I'm not sure if I should pull the plug or if there's some way to get this guy to spend less time with her and more time with his mother. So, if you could please help, I would greatly appreciate it, since you are the master of dating and relationships (and I'm being serious. I've read some of your stuff and it's awesome.) Just a little bit of advice please.

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Hello!

You have an absolute right to not have your relationship with your girlfriend impacted by someone else. Unless your girlfriend is a psychologist, she can't help this guy and is foolish for trying. The guy is trying to "work it from the inside" by spending time with her and being her "friend". To your advantage however, very few women will ever date such a "friend" and you're probably safe, but that isn't the issue. Your girlfriend owes you and your relationship the respect it deserves.

I'd suggest this:

First, tell her that you are tired of the situation and this guy just wants to bang her. She'll deny it (women always do!) so you'll say, "Ok, let's give him a call, and you ask him if he'd sleep with you if he could." This should wake her up even without making the phone call!

Next, tell her that she has to make a choice. She's no counselor and can't help this jackass. He needs to seek that help elsewhere and she's just preventing him from doing so - a very cruel and selfish thing. Further, it's affecting your feelings for her. Either she gets her head straight about your relationship, or you're moving on so fast it will make it (her head) spin! No options.

Stop calling her if she does not absolutely agree with this 100% and act on it immediately. In fact, hand her the phone and let her get started with the correction that very minute.

My brother, you deserve the respect she owes you - just like you've given her. This isn't about balance - whether your giving up your friend for her was more or less than her doing the same for you - it was purely about respect for you and the relationship. Don't let her turn it into anything else.

Best regards...

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Have a love, relationship, sex or man/woman question? I answer all email. You can write to me at dwneder@beingman.com for answers. For more information about my books, "Being a Man in a Woman's World" (volume I & II), and other products visit: www.beingaman.com. Check out the discussion group at: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/beingaman.

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