"Right-Sizing" Your Relationship

Dr. Neder,

My fiancé and I are to be married in 3 months. We've been having problems for the past year. We've been great friends for 10 years. We fight over trivial things, but she gets emotional and makes consistent put-downs about me, says she's depressed and unhappy with me. We both have tried desperately to make the relationship better - I went to relationship counseling and she attended a few times, but really wasn't interested in what the councilor had to say. She and I both have realized that our major quarrels are not about our initial fights, but the way in which we fight which we both agree goes like this.

I will say or do something that makes her upset, she reacts with emotion, and starts calling me and my family all sorts of names, and I get defensive. I have tried to work on my part of the situation - not making her upset and not engaging in the argument, but when I try to back-off she gets more upset at me for not reacting. I'm in a catch-22.

Moving in together 1 year ago may have been the worst thing we've ever done. I realize that this is our 'sort of' first year of marriage, with all the growing pains of getting used to someone else, but things haven't let up. I'm torn between going ahead with the wedding on the basis that outside of the piece of paper, we're already married and this is inevitable for all couples, or that I'm learning how this person really will treat me the rest of my life now, and I should get out because I can't accept this.

She says I need to be more accepting that she is an emotional person and that she often says things she doesn't mean (I'm not nice, not hopeful over our future, constant put downs), but that is not good enough for me. All my efforts to make things better, the nights out, the days off spent together, the little things throughout the day that I try, all become null and void to her after our fights and she says she's equally happy and sad.

She doesn't leave me because I think she loves me very much, and since she already views this relationship as a marriage, it would be like failing her, her marriage, and her families opinion of her (they don't think highly of divorce).

Personally I don't know what to do. For 2 weeks we'll have a great time, then a major disaster sinks in that takes 2 days to fix. It's like clockwork, and has been for the last 8 months.

I personally think that we should not be married until we fix these problems, but she thinks that putting off the marriage = the end of the relationship.

I don't want to lose her, but I can't live with the constant emotional reactions and roller-coasters. I wish she would start to control herself and talk to me about her feelings. In my opinion she is surrendering control over the situation - she says it's the way she is and I have to accept this.

I have no where else to turn, please help.

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Hello!

I'm about to give you the most important piece of advice you'll ever receive, and I hope you take me seriously about it: don't marry this woman.

My brother, you have a very severe problem on your hands. You're seeing only the tip of the iceberg right now. She's actually on her best behavior in looking forward to the marriage! Can you imagine what you're life is going to be like when she no longer has to worry about that little aspect, and she has everything she wants?

This name-calling and put-downs are simply a symptom of a much greater problem - lack of maturity, respect, courtesy and consideration of you and your family. She is in love all right - with the idea of being married. To her, (and to many women) this means that they've "succeeded". Most all women define themselves, and their level of success by their relationships. If they reach the finish line (by being married), they feel worthwhile and successful. Men do something similar but with their jobs, not their relationships. Personally, I think being successful in your work life is contributing something of important value, and is a better indicator, but then, I digress.

The bottom line is this: just because you moved in due to your pending marriage, it's not written in stone. In my latest book, "Being a Man in a Woman's World II" I talk about the concept of "up-sizing", "down-sizing" and "right-sizing" your relationship. The point of this discussion is to find the balance in your relationship that fits.

Marriage and living together obviously doesn't fit your relationship, and marriage rarely makes a relationship "better" - only different. Trust me on this one: you're in a very bad situation right now that is only going to get worse by being married. The only time to be married is when: a) you want or already have kids, and b) you're absolutely sure you're in the most perfect, relationship you can have.

No doubt you're getting a lot of pressure from all sides on this one - including her family. You need to put these pressures aside and see this for what it is.

I suggest that you begin by calling off the wedding. This isn't going to be easy, but if you don't do something right now, you're going to wind up married to someone that just thinks you're trash - even though you've given her exactly what she wanted.

Then, decide if you need to move out from each other to rebuild your relationship, (I think you do). Get set-up separately and begin working on the relationship problems. Don't just assume that they're not there because the stress is off. This needs some work, and continued counseling for BOTH of you may be the key.

If you need more information on how to do this, check with "Being a Man in a Woman's World II".

Best regards...

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Have a love, relationship, sex or man/woman question? I answer all email. You can write to me at dwneder@beingman.com for answers. For more information about my books, "Being a Man in a Woman's World" (volume I & II), and other products visit: www.beingaman.com. Check out the discussion group at: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/beingaman.

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