How Do I Know She “Loves” Me?

Hi Dr. Neder:

When a woman says she loves you does she mean it?

You see, my girl friend and I had a few bumps, but now things have been great for the past few weeks. She has been doing extra special things for me. For example, she knitted me a scarf; everywhere we go she has wanted to please me and thinks about my needs and wants constantly.

Recently on a date we were sitting in the movie theater and making out (as always) and afterward she leans to me and whispers, "I love you". Now she has said it before but not like that!

Does that mean she really does love me? And if she does love me does that mean she will stay loyal to me?

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Hello!

Let's start with this: there are (at least) three types of people based on communication "styles":

* "visuals" - those that deal with their worlds mostly in a visual way,
* "auditories" - those that deal with their worlds mostly through sound, and
* "kinesthetics" - those that "feel" their way through the world.

These are called "modalities" and come from a communication science called "NLP" or "neuro-linguistic programming". I'm not going to get into all the details about this system as you can read all about them in my books, "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II". However, suffice it to say that it is a very powerful way to better understand yourself and your partner.

Be aware that people are usually one of these three most of the time. We call this their "primary modality". They also spend more time in one of the other two, which is known as their "secondary modality". Much less frequently, they spend time in the last one which is known as their "tertiary modality". The point is that people "move" between all of these three, but spend most of their time in a single modality.

When couples first get together, they instinctively know to use all 3 methods to express their love and caring for each other. They show each other by giving little gifts or doing things for each other that they know the other will enjoy, ("visual", like the scarf), they tell each other ("auditory", like saying "I love you"), and they make the other feel it by being close, touching, rubbing your back, etc.

As the relationship begins to mature, it's natural for people to revert back to their own communication styles more commonly. Your girlfriend may very well be an "auditory" and that's why she likes to tell you she loves you. You however, are likely to be one of the others types and thus, don't use this to believe that you're loved.

Ask yourself this question: When do I feel most loved by my partner? When she "shows" me she loves me? When she tells me she loves me? Or, when she makes me "feel" loved? This will tell you what your modality is.

You can also take this to your partner! Ask her which one makes her feel loved. Then, try to meet her modality needs too.

So, the bottom line is this: first, what is her primary modality? Second, does she use her primary modality to express to you that she feels love?

With regards to the loyalty question, it's very difficult to say absolutely. However, people that feel loved - and express it back have very little reason not to be loyal. I suggest you discover her primary modality and use it to make sure she knows you love her. Also watch how she uses this modality to express her feelings to you.

Best regards...

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Have a love, relationship, sex or man/woman question? I answer all email. You can write to me at dwneder@beingman.com for answers. For more information about my books, "Being a Man in a Woman's World" (volume I & II), and other products visit: www.beingaman.com. Check out the discussion group at: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/beingaman.

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