Compliments and "Metacompliments"

Hey Doc!

You say never to compliment physical features, yet I can think of four instances where friends of mine have won a girl's interest through almost incessant compliments. These girls did not show initial interest but the compliments almost seemed to 'wear them down' to the point that the girls became the pursuer. In two of the cases the girl was clearly above the guys league. I didn't think he had a chance.

Don't you Feel that most people, no matter how outwardly confident, really want people to like them? Don't you think that most beautiful women look in the mirror and see their flaws? Don't you think that compliments given from a position of strength play to this need to be beautiful and liked?

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Hello!

Actually, in my new book, "Being a Man in a Woman's World II", I talk about this very issue. No, you should never directly compliment a woman on her looks UNLESS she's not very attractive and all you want is to get laid. In fact, the more beautiful she is, the more she's going to want to hear, (and expect), those compliments because that's what everyone else does. You want to stand out from the pack.

With that said, there IS a way to compliment. I call it the "Metacompliment".

A metacompliment avoids the obvious factors of her specific looks (her eyes, hair, figure, boobs, etc.), and goes in for something ABOUT her instead. For instance, you might say, "You know, you have a very graceful way of moving." She'll be instantly taken because she's probably never heard this before! Another great metacompliment is "Your voice has a musical quality to it - I'll bet you sing really well".

Consider however that if she's clumsy (or thinks she is), or can't carry a note, these metacompliments are going to backfire. Thus, you want to be sincere about using them. Don't just try to pull them out of hat and recycle them on every woman you meet. Instead, use them appropriately.

What differentiates the metacompliment from a standard compliment? First, that it avoids complimenting the obvious: her looks. She can't do much about the way her eyes look - that's about her genes. So, complimenting her on them doesn't really achieve your goals. Metacompliments always deal with something she can specifically control.

Second, they are about things like her actions and even better: her personal image of herself. For example, she may believe that she's a "people person" and by observing her for a short while, it will come out in how she deals with others. If you comment on this ("Hey, you really seem to be able to read people!"), you're addressing something that she actually believes about herself, which makes you look intuitive and cleaver, rather than just average or "like everyone else" who compliment her on her looks.

This leads to the last point about metacompliments: you have to be observant. You have to actually learn to watch and pay attention. This actually goes against the popular "3 second rule" promoted by many, but I believe that you gain other important things in doing this. Just don't use this as an excuse to not approach!

I'll bet if you go back and really analyze what your buddies did, it wasn't a direct compliment at all, but was a metacompliment as these can be highly effective if used in the right way, at the right time.

Best regards...

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Have a love, relationship, sex or man/woman question? I answer all email. You can write to me at dwneder@beingman.com for answers. For more information about my books, "Being a Man in a Woman's World" (volume I & II), and other products visit: www.beingaman.com. Check out the discussion group at: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/beingaman.

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