We’re Not Communicating!

Hello,

My boyfriend and I seem to speak a completely different language. For instance, during a recent altercation, I did not understand that his "What?!" was supposed to mean "I am open to your suggestion" as he tells me it was supposed to mean when his tone of voice said the opposite.

Likewise, he interpreted; "I feel lonely sometimes when you spend so much time doing X" as "This is what you are doing wrong now" and not that I had feelings about something, and wanted some reassurances from him. To make matters worse, we have both been emotionally beaten-up pretty badly in our prior relationships, and tend to automatically revert to what phrases, actions, etc., used to mean.

What do we do to keep from inadvertently sabotaging our love?

========================

Hello!

Communications between men and women are often very difficult because we communicate in different ways. Usually one person is very direct and specific (with the other trying to "read into" what they are saying - an obvious mistake), and the other uses implication and inference (with the other person assuming they are being direct and specific). You can easily see why these communication issues arise.

This is the same thing you're experiencing with your boyfriend. You are saying one thing to mean another; and yes, I understand that YOU know what you mean, but don't assume that he does!

Likewise, when your boyfriend says something, don't assume that he's implying something, or try to read into it things that aren't there - regardless of the inflection he gives to it!

Here are some other important keys to communicating:

1) Listen intently and don't interrupt. When you jump in and try to finish someone's sentence, you'll never really know what they were about to say - you're making assumptions.

2) Stay on-topic. Don't try to throw everything in the mix all at once. Stay to one point - and one point only!

3) Repeat back to him what you heard in your own language. Make sure it's what he is saying and then respond ONLY AFTER confirming with him that you heard his meaning.

4) When you respond, be direct and specific to HIS point. Don't come back with things like, "Well, YOU said..." or "YOU did..." as excuses for your own misbehavior!

5) Realize that arguing in a relationship is a chance to improve it and learn even more about your partner. You’ll never grow as much as when you’re fighting, (although, be careful about too much of this type of growth!)

6) Get him to agree to these rules and do them himself.

Learning to listen - really listen - to someone else is one of the most difficult skills to learn, but trust me, it's also one of the most important if you want to keep a relationship healthy and growing.

Best regards...

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Have a love, relationship, sex or man/woman question? I answer all email. You can write to me at dwneder@beingman.com for answers. For more information about my books, "Being a Man in a Woman's World" (volume I & II), and other products visit: www.beingaman.com. Check out the discussion group at: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/beingaman.

Copyright (c) 2004-2011, Dr. Dennis W. Neder
All rights reserved.