Just What Is a "Committed Relationship" Anyway

Dr. Neder,

What is your definition of a committed relationship, besides the fact you don't date other people?

I have been in a relationship with a man for 17 months. We don't live together and aren't engaged. He says we are more than dating that we are "committed - working towards marriage", (his words not mine). I tell him he isn't really committed to the relationship because every time we disagree about something (which is not often) his answer is to "break up" instead of trying to talk and come to some sort of compromise. After a few days or the magically "week" he'll call and we'll talk it over. With me doing most of the compromising.

We spend the weekends together and 1 night during the week. But he also feels like the 4 days a week we aren't together I should live my life like we are living together. He wants me to be in my apartment at night while he is in his house after work. He doesn't like me being out doing things with my friends or just living life. He has issues with me spending time with my girlfriends - on the nights we wouldn't be together. He feels when you are in a committed relationship you shouldn't have outside friends. He says when you are living together (or married) any time I spend with friends would be taking away from our time together. I say a committed relationship doesn't mean you are connected at the hip.

Guess my real question is: what is the definition for a "committed relationship" that I can share with him? =================== Hello!

A "committed relationship" to me is one where the partners agree that they are together and are working on their relationship, or enjoying it excusive of others. Further, you agree to work through problems - not just break up every time one pops up; as they always do in relationships.

That's a broad definition and one that doesn't fit every committed relationship I've seen. There are some in which the partners actually date and even have sex with other people, but are committed and in love with their partners; although this is rather rare.

In your case, your boyfriend's demands that you stay at home and not have a social life is likely one of insecurity rather than practicality. It appears he's afraid of you going out and meeting other people. In fact, the type of "committed relationship" he's talking about isn't very healthy. You'd never have a chance to grow or to explore your own friends, experiences, etc., and I'd strongly advise you against accepting such a situation.

Healthy people know that they can never "own" another person - even by marrying them. They look forward to their partner's growth and aren't afraid of it. Just as important, they are working on their own growth at the same time. I don't see these things in the type of relationship you're describing.

A commitment to me is where two people decide that they want to continue to work on and invest in their own relationship. While the formats vary greatly, (separate but together, living together, married, etc.), the foundation is love and respect of their partner. That person's needs are considered in your actions, and you treat your relationship - and your partner with respect, consideration and courtesy, but you continue on your own path.

Best regards...

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Have a love, relationship, sex or man/woman question? I answer all email. You can write to me at dwneder@beingman.com for answers. For more information about my books, "Being a Man in a Woman's World" (volume I & II), and other products visit: www.beingaman.com. Check out the discussion group at: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/beingaman.

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