Being The "Transition Guy"

Dear Dr. Neder,

After reading several of your articles responding to men with common dating problems I thought I'd send a question your way and see if you had any suggestions.

I'm 23, I've been dating this girl (same age) for about 6 months now. It started off as each of us thinking the other's hot (she works at my company) and then once I got some buying signals I asked her out. One thing led to another and we've been together ever since and I would like her as a girlfriend cause she is amazing (hot, sexy, smart, fun to be with, etc.)

So here's the dilemma: It started off with us hooking up several times a week for a couple weeks and she was totally into me saying I was everything she could ask for. Then all of a sudden things started happening in her family and work and I didn't see her much – like once every couple weeks.

Then she confesses out of the blue that initially she went into it thinking it'd be just casual dating and nothing more and is sorry for giving me the wrong impression. She claimed she really wanted to be with me but doesn't want to get hurt because ex-boyfriends have left her in the past and she's not sure if she's ready to commit to anything, and hoped I could wait and was sorry.

So I did just that trying to play it cool and not needy or anything. Then she started telling me again how much she likes me and I’m the best guy ever and she could see herself marrying me etc., yet still I wouldn't see her much! I'd just talk to her at work and on the phone and maybe lunch.

Then a couple wks went by where she went away on vacation with her family. I also went on vacation for a week and then got back expecting to see her and I don't see her at all after work and she doesn't even tell me why! I know she's also super busy because she made this regional dance team that requires her to go to practice every night for 3 hours to prepare for competition, but it's been 4 weeks since I’ve seen her outside of work! She just says, “Ok - bye honey, see you tomorrow.” Then, she avoids my requests to see her after work.

Should I just keep waiting a bit longer and hope the dance stuff doesn't occupy as much of her time which it shouldn't in a month or so, or should I have a face to face with her and let her know that I want to see her, otherwise I'm moving on and see if that causes her to find time for me?

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Hello!

My brother - get your head out of your ass! This woman IS dating/banging other guys!!!

No woman avoids seeing her "boyfriend" because she's "too busy". That's absolute bullshit. The fact is, she is with someone else and he is her "boyfriend" (or "boyfriends") while she has you hanging on, waiting on the sidelines! Make no mistake about this.

I see (hear?) this from guys all the time. A woman acts very sweet toward a guy, but can never find any time to see him. Then, that guy learns that the reason for it is that he was the "transition guy". This is the one that she keeps on the hook so she can say to other guys, "Oh, I have a boyfriend".

Why do women do this? It's because of the fact that nobody wants to eat in an empty restaurant! In other words, women swing from boyfriend to boyfriend in a way of trading up. You my brother have been "traded", but this woman doesn't have the respect, courtesy, or class to tell you! Instead, she keeps you hanging on which actually feeds her ego.

What ever you do, DO NOT go to her and say, "You won't go out with me, so I'm going to start seeing other people." If you do this, she's going to "throw you a bone" just to keep you hanging on. She'll meet you for dinner one night (your treat, by the way), and then will have some excuse why she just has to run - right over to her new boyfriend's house!

My suggestion instead is to just dump this bitch and move on. She doesn't deserve anyone that is loyal, and is going to need to get dumped 3 or 4 times (as well as grow up) before it's going to sink in.

Best regards...

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Have a love, relationship, sex or man/woman question? I answer all email. You can write to me at dwneder@beingman.com for answers. For more information about my books, "Being a Man in a Woman's World" (volume I & II), and other products visit: www.beingaman.com. Check out the discussion group at: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/beingaman.

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