Abuse & Domestic Violence
Child Abuse
By J. Bailey Molineux, Ph.D
Nov 27, 2002, 16:26

Mom couldn't take it any longer. With no husband and few friends to support her, worried about her many unpaid bills, the fighting and crying of her three young children finally got to her. She exploded in anger and struck her youngest child so hard he had to be hospitalized.

Child abuse. These are ugly words. They convey an image of deranged parents severely beating their children.

But it is not a complete picture. Physical beatings are not all that is involved in child abuse. Sexual abuse and physical and emotional neglect constitute child abuse also.Nor is it true that only crazy parents abuse their children. A few abusive parents are seriously mentally ill - approximately 10% - but the majority are not.

Parents who physically abuse their children are usually immature, friendless, dependent and low in self-esteem. They have a lower boiling point than other parents, and yet are under tremendous stress from some very real problems - not enough money, marital difficulties or too many unplanned children - they can't adequately handle.

This does not mean, however, that child abuse occurs only in poor families. It happens in middle class and affluent families also.

Abusive parents typically have unrealistic expectations for their children. Their own emotional needs are not being met by other adults, so they turn to their children for love and comfort.

This makes for an unhealthy reversal of roles. Instead of parents meeting the needs of children, children are expected to meet the needs of parents.

But children can't possibly meet their parents' emotional needs. Only other adults can. It is an impossible assignment. Mom and Dad are expecting too much of their offspring and are bound to feel hurt and frustrated, feelings that can lead to anger.

Being the boss with their children is important to these parents and spankings are believed to be the best way to maintain their authority. But sometimes the spankings go too far.

In short, abusive parents are not bad parents; they are inadequate parents, not because they want to be, but because of their inability to handle their overwhelming problems and because of the way they were raised.

Most abusive parents were themselves abused as children. They hit or neglect their children because they were hit or neglected as children. They are inadequate parents because of the inadequate parenting they received. They were never shown by example how to be good parents.

But this does not mean that all parents who were abused as children become abusive parents. Many do not. In other words, all abusive parents were themselves abused but not all parents who were abused become abusive.

If you know of any children who are being abused or neglected, please report this to Child Protective Services or an organization in your area that can help. Your name will be kept confidential. You may be getting needed help not only for the children but for their parents as well.

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