Divorce
The Divorce Rate Is Rising
By J. Bailey Molineux
Oct 21, 2002, 17:46

I wish I could report the divorce rate is leveling off or even falling. Unfortunately, that does not appear to be the case.

The divorce rate for all marriage now stands at 50% while second and third marriages face a divorce rate of 60%. 67% of recent marriage now end in divorce.

There are some marriages that can't or shouldn't be saved. In cases of continued abuse, alcoholism, repeated affairs or chronic unhappiness, divorce can be a healthy move for the spouses. But it still entails much pain and anger that affects the children in significant, long-lasting and mostly negative ways. I like to see spouses do everything they can to improve their marriage before deciding to divorce.

In his book, Why Marriages Succeed or Fail , Dr. John Gottman, a research psychologist, describes those processes which impel a marriage towards divorce. Based upon his research, he believes he can predict which marriages will break up with 94% accuracy.

Marriages that are headed for divorce, Gottman's research shows, have slightly more negative than positive interactions. By contrast, successful marriages have five times more positives than negatives.

The marriage begins to head downhill when what Gottman calls the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse - criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling - become standard practices in the fights between spouses. Instead of complaining about specific behaviors, they begin to criticize each other's personalities. Contempt soon enters their fights which only invites defensiveness in each.

Gottman measured spouses' stress responses while they were fighting in his laboratory. Interestingly, he found men to be more emotionally reactive than women during fights and more likely to feel overwhelmed by their emotions. Thus, a husband is usually the first to stonewall by withdrawing to protect himself from emotional flooding. His wife, understandably, interprets his withdrawal as a sign he doesn't care which only adds to her anger.

The final stage in marital dissolution occurs when the spouses begin to think negatively about their mate's personalities rather than their situations. The wife may think her husband is a miserable person, for example, rather than he had a bad day. These beliefs about the other's basic personality traits create a sense the marriage can't be changed.

If you've read about your marriage in this article and are getting worried, don't give up hope. By becoming aware that your marriage maybe slipping towards divorce, you can do something to prevent that from happening.

To save your failing marriage, Gottman recommends four steps. The first is to break off your fights when they become too intense and calm yourself down. When you are too emotionally aroused, you can't effectively listen to your spouse or think clearly. Challenge those negative thoughts about your spouse's personality and the belief your marriage can't be saved.

Whatever you can do to avoid defensiveness in you and your spouse will improve your communication. Try to see the situation from your spouse's point of view and express your own without attacking her character. Then try to validate your spouse's position as valid for her. You may disagree with it but you will signal to your spouse you are attempting to understand what she is trying to say.

Finally, says Gottman, keep trying again and again and again. It won't be easy but improving a failing marriage often takes less energy than going through the heartache of divorce.

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