Marriage
When Your Spouse Won't Discuss Her Feelings
By J. Bailey Molineux
Jan 14, 2003, 16:03

Suppose your spouse is obviously upset about something but is not talking so you don't know what is the problem. You ask him nicely if anything is wrong and he snaps back, Nothing, with obvious anger.

Some psychologist believe that communication between people is 80 percent non-verbal and only 20 percent verbal. If a person's words say one thing but her tone of voice and body posture say another, we usually accept the non-verbal message as the accurate one. So when the spouse above says nothing is wrong in an angry tone, the other spouse knows something is the matter.

I often say to clients that we cannot not communicate our feelings even if we never say a word about them. People will sense them no matter how much we try to hide them.

Once a friend was angry at another friend of his but kept complaining to me for three weeks rather than to his other friend. I suggested that he talk directly to his friend, which he did.

I've been angry at you for three weeks, my friend said. I know, said his buddy to the amazement of my friend. I've sensed it all along.

The problem for you when your spouse is upset but is not saying what about is that you may worry that she is upset with you.

In situations such as this, the spouse who is obviously upset, even though he denies it, has an obligation to tell you whether or not he is upset with you. If he is but doesn't want to talk about it right now, he has the right not to discuss it immediately but the responsibility to set up a time to discuss his anger with you later. You may be anxious for awhile but at least you know it will be discussed at a certain time.

If your spouse is upset about something unrelated to you - her work, for example - she has an obligation to reassure you that she's not upset with you but she also has the right not to discuss it with you if she does not want to. All that you can do is say you'll be available to listen should she change her mind and want to talk. But at least you've been relieved of the worry that your spouse is upset with you.

What you want to avoid is messing with your spouse's mind. When you do this you imagine what your spouse is thinking and feeling and react to him on the basis of what you believe are his thoughts and emotions, not on what they really are.

You think she is angry at you, for example, when she is not. She's irritated with a colleague at work instead. But then you may become angry at her because you believe she's annoyed with you when she's really angry at someone else. When you become angry at her, she may respond with anger in return. You then may have an unnecessary fight over nothing because you messed with your spouse's mind and assumed something which was not true.

Communication between intimates can be difficult, especially when emotions run strong. It takes hard work to communicate accurately. What you need to do is talk about your feelings and don't mess with your spouse's mind.

Ask instead. Honey, are you upset with me and if so, can we talk about it?

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