The Unconscious Marriage

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Marriage
The Unconscious Marriage
By J. Bailey Molineux
Jan 14, 2003, 15:58

If you have unresolved wounds from childhood, as many of us do, my guess is that you will act them out in the present, especially in your marriage. The way you may do this is through what I call the four Ps: pick, perceive, provoke and permit.

The parent-child bond is, or should be, the closest human bond, while the bond between spouses is, or should be, the second closest human bond. If this is so, it is reasonable to assume that the unresolved problems from the first bond will be reenacted in the second bond.

This is not an original idea from me be any means. This is exactly what Freud had in mind when he wrote about the repetition compulsion: we are compelled unconsciously to repeat in the present those unresolved hurts or learned behavior patterns from childhood.

Suppose you were raised by what you considered to be a very controlling parent. Let's see how you may act this out in your marriage by using one or more of the four Ps:

Pick. You may unconsciously choose to marry someone like your parent or the opposite. If control is your issue, you'll probably marry someone who controls you or someone whom you can control.

I'll never forget one women I treated in marital therapy who had been raised by a domineering father. She dominated her passive husband and explained her behavior by saying, "Growing up, I learned there are only two types of people in the world - those who dominate and those who submit - and I decided it was better to dominate than be dominated."

Perceive. You may perceive more controlling behaviors in your spouse than is actually there. Remember you're sensitive to the issue of control. If your spouse makes a simple, adult request, you may explode with an angry, "You're not my parent" statement, which will leave him wondering what happened.

Provoke. You may provoke the very behavior in your spouse you complain about. If you act in an irresponsible way, she'll have to become more controlling to keep the family functioning. You can then say, perhaps with righteous indignation, "Ah! I was right. You are controlling just like my parent."

Permit. You may permit your spouse to be controlling by not being more assertive or by not setting appropriate limits on his behavior. Often, when an unacceptable behavior occurs in one spouse, it is because the other spouse tolerates it.

Social psychologists have a different explanation for this process. They believe we form a set of images of ourselves and others when we are young and then cling to those images tenaciously because they help us make sense of a complex and confusing world. We look for evidence to confirm our views and tend to ignore contradictory evidence. Our view of our spouse, once set, and especially if it is based on childhood experiences, can be very difficult to change. There are times, it seems, we'd rather be right than happy.

Whatever the explanation for this process, it implies you must first look to yourself for changes in your marriage. Learn more about yourself and how you might be contributing to your marital difficulties. And try to take an objective look at your spouse and not just through the prism of your past.

Any small changes you can make in your behavior, emotions and perceptions will change your marriage regardless of what your spouse does. Hopefully, those changes will be for the better.

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