It is probably the most important trait that parents can - indeed must - develop in their children. It is necessary not only for the success of their offspring but also for the survival of a civilized society.
I am referring, of course, to morality, the sense of right and wrong and the willingness to abide by society's laws. If most citizens broke the law, could not be trusted or were untruthful, we would fall apart socially and economically. Our society must be based upon trust of one another.
There are two components in moral development. The first involves a progression from external control of behavior to internal control of behavior. The young child is not yet fully capable of controlling his behavior so external controls in the form of rewards and punishments must be provided for him, primarily by his parents and teachers.
But eventually control of behavior must be internalized. The mature adult is honest and obeys the law because it makes him feel good to do so and avoids guilt. He also realizes that honesty and conformity to the law are necessary for society to survive and flourish.
By contrast, the criminal is one who, like the child, won't control his own behavior so society has to provide external controls by imprisoning him.
The second component of moral development involves a progression from self-centeredness to empathy, from a child thinking she is the center of the universe to the realization that other people have legitimate rights, feelings and needs which might differ from, or even conflict with, her own. If she does not learn this, if she insists on having her own way, if she does not play cooperatively, she will be ostracized and lonely.
The first thing we can do as parents to develop morality in our children is to show them plenty of love. The more we love them, the more they can love others. Paradoxically, loads of love will make our children less self-centered, not more.
Next, we must model honest, moral behavior to our children. If we have a temper, they are more likely to be quick to anger. If we speed while driving, they're more likely to drive too fast. If we show love and kindness to others, they are more likely to be considerate.
We must be firm, fair and consistent in disciplining our children, using more rewards and praise than punishments and criticism. But when we do threaten a punishment, we must make sure we follow through with it.
It helps to internalize rules for children by explaining their rationale so they can understand the reasons for the rules and not see them as arbitrary. No long-winded lectures, however. You have to go to bed at a certain time so you won't be tired the next day. You have to hand in your homework because you need a good education to find a good job. And we have rules because we love you and want wwhat's best for you.
To help adolescents internalize rules, we can sometimes include them in deciding what the rules shall be about certain issues such as chores, curfews or use of the telephone. They will feel more ownership of rules if they've had a say in making them.
Finally, try to develop empathy in your child by explaining how others feel. For example, Do you remember how hurt you felt when John called you a name. Well, Sally must have felt just as hurt when you called her a name.
# # # # #
