Do you want to know about a time-tested, scientifically proven, money back guaranteed way to effectively raise your children?
I can sum it up in three words: discipline plus love. Or six words to emphasize my point: lots of love and sufficient limits.
Love and discipline go together in that the one is not possible or effective without the other. Love without discipline is a contradiction in terms. To love your child is to discipline your child. A lack of discipline implies a lack of love.
On the other hand, discipline without love can never be effective in producing mentally healthy, productive and self-reliant adults. A harsh or loveless discipline will be effective in controlling the behavior of the young child, because he is too small and dependent not to conform, but the older adolescent may well choose to act out the hostility that such an upbringing will have generated in him.
What do I mean by love? Obviously all the positive qualities such as concern, caring, respect, support, encouragement and listening.
But real love for a child also means being able to let go of that child when the time is appropriate. Love that is too smothering or too overprotective is not genuine love. The parent who lives too closely to, or vicariously through, her child does so because that behavior fulfills her own needs and not those of her child.
Discipline involves the enforcement of behavioral limits which children need. Despite their loud protests, such limits give youngsters a sense of security and the assurance that they are loved.
Derived from the word disciple, discipline means to teach, not to punish. Punishment does not always have to be used to enforce behavioral limits. There are other, more positive ways to do so. I like to tell parents they can catch more flies with honey than with a fly swatter.
First, try to elicit your children's cooperation or support for the family rules. Do so either by including them in their formulation or by carefully explaining the reasons for your rules to them.
Next, see what you can do to remove all temptations to break the family limits. And make sure that your children's misbehavior is not inadvertently encouraged or rewarded in any way. Johnny's temper, for example, will be strengthened if Mom pays attention to him during an angry outburst.
At the same time, decide what you can do to reward or encourage behavior that is acceptable and within the limits you have set. Children, like adults, behave the way they do because it is rewarding for them to do so. It's best for them to grow up with more rewards than punishments, more praise than criticism.
Finally, if all else fails, consider the use of punishment to bring your child's behavior under control. Time out for young children and short groundings for older kids will often suffice as effective penalties.
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