What is self esteem? Obviously, there are many answers. I've heard so many, I've stopped asking and have arrived at my own answer. Simply stated, self esteem is our personal belief system. Our personal beliefs define our world. They affect every aspect of our lives: how we feel about ourselves and others; how confident we feel; how negative or positive we are.
Where does self esteem come from? Many people feel it comes from within. This is not true. It is also not installed like a piece of carpeting. We are not born with positive or negative self esteem. When a child is born, their mind is like a tape recorder, recording every experience. Self esteem develops as a result of these numerous experiences. Positive or negative, these recorded childhood events influence how self esteem develops. A child's self esteem, therefore, is directly related to the relationship with the parents/caregiver(s). In other words, we come into this world with the "seeds" to develop self esteem. How those "seeds" grow depend on how they are cultivated. It's the parent's job to nurture, nourish, and cultivate.
Divorce rates are at an all time high. Changes in the family system are evident. Societal changes are everywhere. Strengthening children's self esteem must be a primary goal for parents and educators. Strong self esteem is required for children to endure negativity and be prepared effectively to solve problems. Knowing how to say "no" to drugs, how to resist so as not to become "victimized," and how to consider the needs and feelings of others, are all dependent on positive self esteem.
Promoting healthy self esteem in children through praise, positive feedback, hugs, etc., is obviously very important. The need to teach children how to cooperate and respond to the needs of others is equally important. Unfortunately, these skills have become a lost (suppressed) human trait. The decades of "me" and "I" have taken a toll on society. The preoccupation with fulfilling one's own needs and desires makes it difficult to be open to others. Empathy is a primary component of a healthy self esteem.
At this point you probably would like a recipe on "how to raise a healthy, empathetic child." My experience tells me that recipes work best in the kitchen. With human behavior there are too many factors that influence development. Parents need to take advantage of the numerous "teachable moments" - to support and guide children in becoming empathetic, responsible people.
When witnessing inappropriate behavior, for example, it becomes incumbent upon adults to teach (non-punitively) children pro-social behaviors. This includes neighbor children who misbehave. I've heard far too many parents express a desire not to intervene because "s/he's not my child." I disagree! When handled appropriately, these "teachable moments" will strengthen any child's self esteem.
Another way to strengthen self esteem is to accentuate a specific skill/ability. Helping children develop a "niche" will provide them with a buffer to aid their self esteem when it becomes besieged. This may come in the form of athletics, academics, music, or any special talent the child possesses. If your child does not appear to have a particular interest, expose them to different activities. Karate, for example, is an excellent activity in enhancing self and body esteem. Other children's programs that focus on physical and emotional development are also available.
Raising children with healthy self esteem is an enormous task. The average parent spends about 15 minutes a day communicating with their child. Ten minutes of that time is devoted to criticism and correction. Promoting and modeling pro-social, empathic behavior is fundamental to development. Children learn best from personal involvement. Take the time to teach, guide, and involve your child. We are the best chance they have!
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