Thirty years ago I got out of the marriage counseling profession because I became disillusioned from so many failures. It wasn't marriage counseling anymore. It was becoming divorce counseling. Heck, I was a good counselor but couldn't even fix my own broken marriage. Now at least, I know why. Sometimes you have to walk away from the trees to be able to see the forest. Other times you have to fail before you can figure out how to succeed.

After three failed marriages counteracted by three decades of success at "fixing" a variety of prisons, professional sports teams and private businesses, I think I finally know what the problem is with trying to fix broken marriages. The principles are the same with fixing anything that is broken. Besides, the harder you look, the more relationships you see between things, including marriages, sports teams, prisons and businesses.

First of all, let me define broken marriage so we get started at the same place. A broken marriage is any one that isn t fully satisfying and fully functioning, according to the perceptions of the partners who are involved. That about covers most marriages right? I am using this broad definition because there really can't be any more precise way to say what is or isn't broken other than individual perceptions. A person who has to wear bifocal glasses may feel just as impaired and challenged as a person who just had triple by-pass surgery. Who is to say who is more broken?

Can broken marriages be fixed? Just like fixing anything that involves people, it depends on the answers to some other tough questions. There are three critical questions:

1. Can the marriage work?

2. Do the partners want the marriage to work?

3. Will both partners make it work?

These three questions are not as straightforward as they appear. They each involve other difficult questions and detailed answers that can't be assumed. It takes a lot of digging, growing and being honest to get the needed information. The troubled marriage partners have to be able to talk about what is going on and answer these questions completely and accurately. They are often not able to do that. Then it is up to the marriage counselor to make interpretations, which may be wrong. On the bright side, the process of just exploring answers to these three questions can often be healing in itself. It is certainly always worth the effort.

Let's take a look at what is really involved with each question.

CAN THE MARRIAGE WORK?

This first question may seem as though it should follow the second one, but maybe that is the problem. Whether something is fixable or not needs to be determined before there is any more wasted time and effort. When marriages end, it is because one or both of the partners have come to the conclusion that the marriage is not fixable- either to the degree or manner that is desired. What might be most important here is the underlying belief by the partners as to whether or not the broken marriage can be fixed.

The answer to this first question requires brutal honesty in assessing how the marriage started, what has happened in between, and where it is most likely to go in the future. There are some other important questions themselves, which can shed light on predicting the most likely outcome.

Here are just a few of the questions, which need the right answers: Are the partners in the marriage for the right reasons? Have those reasons ever been communicated? Are the reasons adequate for a healthy, productive marriage? Did things get started off on the right foot? Is there too much water under the bridge with incidents of infidelity, anger or unhealthy habits?

Other critical questions include these: Does the marriage have enough of the core essentials such as sufficient emotional health, unconditional love, compatibility of interests and values, tolerance, flexibility, physical and sexual attraction, and open communication? Is the marriage viewed with enough sacred reverence? Has the marriage gone past the point of no return? Are there outside forces that need to be identified and addressed? Was the marriage even meant to be in the first place?

My first failed marriage involved too much water under the bridge with infidelity. Once trust is eroded there is no getting it back and no marriage can survive without trust. This broken marriage also didn't have enough of a foundation of unconditional love, equality or emotional health to stand up against the experimentation, selfishness and insanity of the late sixties and early seventies. In looking back, it didn't get started right either, as we were both on the rebound. Believe it or not, it wasn't a bad marriage by today's standards, but it certainly wasn't good enough.

My second marriage was one big learning experience of how not to act in a relationship, which went way past the point of no return. The only unanswered question is why it lasted 20 years. That marriage never got started right, as expectations and values were too vague, without any communication to help clarify them. Actually good communication would have revealed that these expectations and values were too conflicting. Opposites may attract, but they get old after awhile. Moreover, I didn't bother trying to figure out the reason for some of the mental red flags about which my heart was trying to warn me from the very beginning.

After this experience, you might think that I would have improved in my mate selection process, but it only got worse. I haven't yet determined whether I am just a slow learner in interpersonal situations or whether I am a hopeless, idealistic romanticist who never wants to give up on relationships.

My third short-lived two-month marriage disaster wasn't even meant to be. It was just a warning for others to avoid such a relationship altogether. There was nothing good about it except that it ended quickly, there were no children involved and we never have to see each other again.

All these marriage failures are moot now. Fortunately, I did eventually find my true love and we can now demonstrate what a mature, healthy, loving relationship is for others to see. Sure we have normal problems and conflicts, but we have the commitment and wisdom to resolve them and move forward instead of sideways or backwards.

One problem in particular always posed a challenge for me in all my relationships and I am sure it is a common one. This problem is the issue of differences in people's perceptions. Can a broken marriage be fixed when the two partners have different perceptions to critical questions such as these: How broken is the marriage? What is it that needs to be fixed? When does the marriage become good enough? Do things need to be "fixed" or just understood? How do we fix what is wrong? Who needs to change most or first?

Exploring these key differences can often uncover important clues as to what may be "wrong" and offer some powerful solutions to building bridges that help the couple move forward in strengthening their desire to make the marriage work and gaining the skills necessary to do so.

Unfortunately, this first question of whether or not the marriage can work is where the road to rationality runs out. Whoever has a clear picture of when enough is enough or when something just can't be fixed? No one has ever had enough experience at trying everything to fix such a thing as a broken marriage. There is no clear point at which to arrive in feeling 100% sure that the broken marriage can't possibly be fixed and that it is definitely time to bale out. When you feel close enough, you make a choice and live with it.

After all is said and done, all you have to go on in trying to answer this question is your gut feelings. However, there are some common sense guidelines to at least consider. When you don't start something out right, the finish can't help but be wrong and when a house isn't built on a solid foundation it will eventually crumble. Furthermore, when things just aren t meant to be, there are too many obstacles, or you can't agree on what needs fixing or how to fix it, then all efforts will probably be in vain and quitting has to be a viable option.

Exploring this first question together to try and reach agreement on the answer is going further than most partners in a broken marriage and may be enough to justify going on to the next two questions. Of course, when one or both partners arrive at a "no" answer, there is usually no need to go any further. Marriage is not meant to be that adversarial or lopsided.

DO THE PARTNERS BOTH WANT THE MARRIAGE TO WORK?

Thinking we want a marriage to work is not enough. First of all, there is a big difference between what we think we want and what we may actually need. Our wants and needs may be trying to "recruit" two entirely different people on their own without letting us know it. And our needs run from simple basic ones such as physical, safety and security to higher, more complicated ones such as self-actualization, creativity and spiritual enlightenment. When any of these wants or needs aren't met, there is a problem. There are just too many seemingly greener pastures out there. Together, this problem and perception explain much of our present day high divorce rate.

I always thought I wanted brains, beauty and personality in my mate, but what I needed was unconditional love, emotional health, good communication, sexual spontaneity, and spiritual compatibility. Oddly, when I gave into what I needed, I got all the other things I wanted. What I didn't do was to sacrifice anything that I needed. It took many failures to learn that lesson.

Secondly, too much of what is going on inside our heads is just a response to something unconscious which drives us. We often do not even know what we want or need, so how can we possibly get it or worse yet, expect another person to give it to us? I think my second wife needed unconditional love but I don't think she knew that. If she had communicated that need, I might have been able to give it to her. Then there may not have been any reason for all the arguing. But of course there was no communication for that to happen.

Thirdly, the choices we have to make in order to satisfy our wants and needs often involve conflicts between our heads and hearts. When the head and heart cannot agree on these things there cannot be any success, just turmoil. What I learned the hard way was that true love is what happens when you finally reconcile the war between your head and heart. I did this by starting to listen to my intuition, which is a handy walkie-talkie between my head and heart.

Unfortunately, no one else can tell you how to solve such a difficult conflict or even show you how to do it. This is the main failure of the self-help industry. These gurus are trying to do too much. All they can really do is show you where the water is. They can't make you drink it or drink it for you. The trick has always been to make the water irresistible and then be patient. Being too much in a hurry is a common cause of failure.

Lastly, and most important, the partners may want the marriage to work, but may not want to do all the things that are necessary to make it work. Knowing what all these things are can lead to a better ability to answer the next question. If a hundred bad choices have already been made during the last several years of the marriage, are both partners wanting to spend a few more years and make the hundred-fifty right choices it may take to get back to the starting block?

You can't just wish a broken marriage to be repaired by magic without first investing some time and effort to find out what it will take. Then you have to really want to do it. You see a rich doctor's beautiful new home and want one too. Are you willing to invest a couple of hundred thousands of dollars in education, sit in a classroom until you are gray, spend a third of your income in taxes and malpractice insurance, work 12 hours a day and be on call 24 hours a day? Probably not. Some broken marriages may require more sacrifices than either partner wants to make.

The saddest scenario about this second question is when one partner wants the marriage to work and the other one doesn't. This difference is usually based on the one partner's convincing perceptions as to what is wrong or that the marriage isn't fixable to the degree and way that he or she wishes. Actually this fundamental disagreement is a no answer to the first question of can this marriage work? There is no way to force agreement on this one. Having the courage to walk away is what is needed.

WILL BOTH PARTNERS MAKE IT WORK?

Marriages require teamwork, and just like businesses, professional sports teams, or any other type of organization or institution, they need a detailed game plan for team members to follow. This is especially true when the team is broken.

First, there needs to be a mission statement that clearly and passionately communicates the ultimate outcome that is desired from the marriage. Marriage vowels used to do this in a round about way, but they seem to be losing their impact these days. Hence it might be a good idea to copy a successful business practice. What could it hurt?

A marriage mission statement could be something like, To have the best marriage in the world to help us both grow and get more of everything together than alone, or to soothe each other's souls with daily loving and understanding for the rest of our lives wherever they may take us. If the basic expectation of the marriage is not clear, how will you know if you are or aren't headed in the right direction? Broken marriages are headed in the wrong direction and need much re-routing. Agreeing on where you want to go is the first step in forming the necessary teamwork to be successful.

Next, there has to be communication and agreement about core values that will ensure the success of this mission. Even bottom-line driven corporations and professional sports teams have to allow people to express the basic values of their souls including love, compassion, creativity, growth, and understanding, if they are to survive over the long haul. Conflicts in these essential soul values dooms any marriage, business or sports team, sooner or later.

Finally, there have to be very specific activities each partner will commit to accomplishing in order to help the marriage achieve its mission. These assignments need to translate that ultimate purpose into routine, every day behavior consistent with core values.

One partner may have to agree to work hard on communicating her needs more directly instead of continuing to assume her partner can read her mind. She may also have to learn to leave off the colorful adjectives that turns simple assertive expression into complaining,

On the other hand, the partner in this situation may have to agree to control his tendency to be defensive about his lack of mind-reading ability or his own perceived inadequacy of giving his partner something to complain about. He may even have to start asking more questions. Or both partners may need to work on improving their ability to listen more to understand, to control their tendency to over-react, give up unhealthy habits, or to stop interpreting non-verbal behavior.

The more detailed the partners can be about all the things they will do to fix parts of the broken marriage, the more likely they will succeed. Sometimes it isn't what is being done that is as important as the fact that something is being done. Something always has to be done to fix a broken marriage.

Unfortunately, having a marriage that can work in which the partners want it to work is simply not enough. Life is too complex today with too many pressures, obstacles and temptations. You must know where you are going, have the uncompromising desire to get there and be in possession of the required tools to make progress. Without a plan, you are just wandering around without any clear destination, destined to get nowhere quickly without even knowing it. That is not smart. Developing a detailed action plan is what works.

I guess if there is a single most important thing I have learned from fixing things, it is the value of buying time. Everything has to be at a readiness point to be fixed. Buying time to get a broken marriage to that readiness point can be wisely spent focusing on two of the most basic, but conflicting human drives. We all have a strong mental need for a sufficient sense of freedom and equality. These are especially important to us as individuals in a marriage partnership.

When we perceive that we don't have enough freedom and equality we can all behave in very bizarre, unproductive ways. Arranging or setting rules to safeguard these two critical needs may be the most important role a third party, such as a marriage counselor, can bring to the table. Buying time and using it to increase both partners sense of freedom and equality will decrease the intensity of the problems and improve hope. Both these things can bring marriage partners closer to a readiness point to be fixed.

If a marriage couple passes the first two questions and then takes the time to (a) write a mutual mission statement for their marriage (b) openly communicate about the values on which it has to be built, and (c) plan specific contributions each will make to help them both get where they want to be, then the answer to our original title question is YES! We had to take the long way around to answer this question correctly, but maybe taking the easier, quicker path is why I experienced so many earlier failures.

Marriage is a sacred contract and it was never meant to be taken lightly. Seeking a divorce, unless under extreme conditions such as abuse, should not be an option before you have gone through the above process and can honestly say that you have done everything possible to try and fix the broken marriage. Then when you determine it is not fixable, you are justified and right in moving on.