My wife and I have decided that after we've spent a week together on a vacation, we want some time away from each other. This doesn't mean we don't love each other or don't have a good marriage. But after too much togetherness, we need some distance.

Every marriage involves this dance. Love entails a struggle to balance the seemingly conflicting needs for closeness and distance, intimacy and individuality, togetherness and independence. I call it a struggle between the WE and the ME.

In her book, Resonance: The New Chemistry of Love, Dr. Barbara Fishman describes three types of marriages which differ depending upon the relative emphasis on the we or the me. In an exchange marriage, the me is more important than we. This is the type of marriage that is frequent among two paycheck couples in which their separate careers are what is most important to each. Separate interests and friends may predominate also.

In the merged relationship, the opposite pattern is found: the we is more important then me. Togetherness and sharing are emphasized at the expense of uniqueness and independence. This is often a traditional, 1950's type marriage in which the man is the breadwinner while the wife stays home to care for the children.

Each of these marriages entails opposite potential problems. The exchange marriage can feel lonely while the merged marriage can feel stifling. Usually people in exchange marriages are afraid of too much closeness while those in merged marriages are afraid of being alone. To protect against these fears, people in each type sacrifice an aspect of their lives, intimacy in the exchange marriage and independence in the merged marriage.

But it is possible to have it all, claims Dr. Fishman. A resonant marriage entails both togetherness and separateness, intimacy and individuality, the we and me. Couples can be connected without loss of self.

Two processes that Fishman describes to achieve a resonant relationship are focusing and double vision. In focusing, the me is emphasized. Each spouse is able to focus exclusively on herself and her own opinions, perceptions, emotions, and needs. Each is clear about what she thinks, sees, feels, and wants. Each can be a separate, independent, self-affirming person in relationship to the other.

In double vision, the emphasis is on the we but not at the expense of the me. Being clear and sure in their own positions, each spouse can then understand and honor as valid the positions of the other. The spouses recognize they are separate and different yet can still work together as a team.

Underlying double vision is both/and thinking rather than either/or thinking. Both are right about an issue, rather than either one or the other is right, because both spouses' views are accepted as valid for each by each. Both the husband and wife can have their needs met rather than either one or the other spouse having his wishes fulfilled at the expense of the other.

In effect, in a resonant relationship you are clear about what you feel and want while understanding what your spouse feels and wants. You affirm your own position as important and valid for you but accept your spouse's position as equally important and valid for her. You can have the needs of both the me and we met. You can have it all.

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