Do you want to know an almost guaranteed way to get your spouse not to change? It's simple. Just nag him, plead, become angry, pout, withdraw, call him selfish or uncaring or in other ways pressure him to change.

To some psychologist, it is a law of human behavior, called reactance, that whenever we attempt to make a person do something, she will resist our efforts to maintain her freedom of choice. But the more she resists, the more we may pressure her which creates more resistance which creates more pressure. We then become locked into a vicious cycle which goes round and round.

Do you want to know a way you might be able to get your spouse to change? Paradoxical as this may sound, accept him as he is. Quit pressuring him and he might do what you want.

This is the conclusion of Andrew Christensen, Ph. D., and Neil Jacobson, Ph. D., authors of a new book, Reconcilable Differences (Guilford, 2000). According to Drs. Christensen and Jacobson, whenever there is a conflict between spouses about a change in behavior, three things can happen. One spouse gives in and makes a behavioral change or the other gives in and accepts the status quo.

The third and best outcome, argue these authors, however, is when both spouses change. At the same time, one spouses makes some changes in her behavior and the other spouse becomes more accepting of the behavior he finds objectionable. Both change and both win.

But if there is ever a deadlock between change and acceptance, acceptance should come first. Change is the brother of acceptance, write Christensen and Jacobson, but it is the younger brother. When acceptance comes first, it paves the way for change. When you and your partner experience greater acceptance from each other, your resistance to change often dissolves.

There is a good reason why this is so, why acceptance leads to a better chance for change. When a person is being pressured to change, he is receiving the message he is not acceptable as he is which will make him defensive. In his defensiveness, he will try to justify his behavior or strike back with complaints of his own. In either event, he will not openly listen to his spouse.

If he feels accepted, by contrast, he will be better able to hear the distress behind the complaint of his spouse. He might change because he truly understands her point of view, cares for her, and wants her to feel better.

Obviously, however, there are some behaviors which should never be accepted. Physical abuse, for example, or chronic emotional abuse or infidelity. In these situations, the hurt spouse may have to take the position that these behaviors must stop or she will end the relationship.

There are no guarantees that acceptance will lead to change. But one thing is for sure: If all your pressure hasn't worked to date, it's time for you to try something different. And acceptance may just be the key to bring about change.

# # # # #